Thursday, December 2, 2010

Protection from the beast and the wolves

A visit from the sadist always requires certain follow-up tasks. I must e-mail a report on my experience of his visit. If I recited a new poem, I must e-mail him the text. And if I was allowed or ordered to masturbate, I must send him a report on that as well.

Serving the fiend does not allow for emotional squawking. He is quite blunt about his lack of interest in my mental torments, especially as related to things in my life away from him. [I must note that in serious situations he always has just the right sentence or two to stabilize me and establish that he is a much sweeter person than he usually betrays.] These post-visit reports, however, are the one place in which, within reason, I am allowed - nay, expected - to give my own honest reactions to what I have been through. To what he has done. To what he has required me to do. To what I have learned and to what I have suffered. My words give him pleasure, as do my emotions, and we both learn.

He has of late [anyone recognize the source of that phrase?] been surprisingly open about the beast. He now refers to his alter ego by name, and has given me some details about some of his actions. There have been various periods in our relationship where his struggles against his own personal Mr. Hyde have been particularly intense, and one time [I'm too lazy to find the link to that post] when he was close to sending me away because he feared he couldn't keep that very bad boy from taking control and hurting me in ways that Daddy doesn't dare allow.

As I said in my last post, Je suis la putain de Papa, yesterday we both felt the presence of the beast. I saw him leering out through Daddy's eyes, trying to break through the force field my Master has erected to protect me. We talked about it afterwards - Daddy brought it up - and I talked about it more in my report, as did Daddy in his response. We both have our fears - mine that I have this urge to summon the beast and Daddy that eventually the creature will take hold of him to a greater extent than he has before.

I have another fear as well, which I debated bringing up in my report and then decided not to.

The sadist likes to scare me. He enjoys mental torture at least as much as the physical kind. Combine with that his penchant for planning and the delight he gets from living through an event in his head before it actually happens and you can just imagine the fun he is having as we suddenly move much closer to the next time(s) he shares his precious pet with others. On top of that, we have my own tendency to anticipate, to embroider, to fantasize, and the stage is set for him to tease and taunt and torture. He sparks my speculation but provides only just enough detail to both arouse and frighten me. He knows I am an expert at scaring myself, and he only needs to add a few bits of kindling to the flames.

Yesterday was a prime example. He spoke a bit about the acceleration of planning, and answered most of my questions with "maybe." One issue for me all along has been what kind of men (and maybe not just men) he will be bringing to me. While it now sounds as if one of the visits will result in some rare pleasure for me - solely because it will entertain Daddy - the other one (or more than one other one) will definitely include people who will hurt me. And here lies the big question. Here is where I try to balance in my mind what the sadist is saying - because he is of course a sadist and enjoys my fear - with what I know of Daddy and his desire to protect me. The one time so far that he did bring someone else to enjoy my body, the pain I suffered was minimal. Yes, I was spanked and flogged and beaten with some sort of leather strap, but none of that really hurt much. I was even wishing the man would beat me harder. The only real pain came when the sadist himself took a couple of whacks at my butt with the cane, more to show off than anything else. After the other man left, Daddy revealed that he had told him that I had very little tolerance for pain and warned him to hold back.

Now that man is a switch, and one of my Master's other submissives, so is perhaps less into inflicting serious pain as well as being very obedient to our Master's orders. Daddy describes these new men as being "in his sphere of influence", so probably also somewhat likely to respect any guidelines he sets out for the event. On the other hand, it does seem that they are sadists of some stripe, and that the beast is sitting at the table as they plan the event. I fear they may all egg each other on as they write the script. Still, Daddy has shown time and again his commitment to protecting me, to protecting his property, to protecting his investment in his treasure. Protecting the time he has put into polishing his jewel into a source of enormous pleasure. I am special to him. So I think (I hope) that I may enjoy the arousal of contemplating my very harsh treatment at their hands (mouths, cocks, canes and belts) while keeping safely tucked away in a cozy corner of my wildly fantasizing mind the knowledge that Daddy will in the end protect his precious little girl.

I hope...


Liras said...

Your Daddy obviously has plans, so...keep trusting in his guidance. As you let your fantasies run free, maybe they will help lessen your worries. I share in your hope that things will go well.

If not, the Beast will enjoy gnawing upon your bones, no doubt.

oatmeal girl said...

Oh yes, Liras. He is definitely looking forward to gnawing on my bones. Given my tendency to struggle and detach for a few days after particularly hard encounters, I tried to reassure him yesterday that I do always eventually emerge, and then treasure the experience that put me there. When he carved his initial into my butt with his knife, I had a very hard time afterwards, but wouldn't give up either the intensity of the experience or the scar of his initial that remains in my flesh. But he always reacts by declaring that he has to wind back The Plan.

His response this time was that perhaps he would visit me while I was still struggling to emerge. A threat to gnaw on my bones, yes... but also, I think, whether he means it that way or not, a way to reel me back in.

I wish it would happen already!!!

Anonymous said...

As the fiend (somewhat pompously) observed of another apparent dichotomy, the twin dynamics of bone-gnawing and reeling-in are in a symbiotic relationship. They go everywhere together, with the beast as a bodyguard and the fiend as their chauffeur.
And, unless he has an unusual stable of redheaded, multi-lingual cocksuckers - I think you're safe, my friend! Enjoy the anticipation.
- jcn

Anonymous said...

Almost forgot! "He has of late"
but wherefore he knows not?...
(word verification: laryncti, which sounds like a condition resulting from too much cocksucking. "Laryncti - A condition characterized by swelling of the larynx, the result of repeated compression...")

oatmeal girl said...

"I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth..." I did expect you would recognize it, dear, even if no one else did. Not sure why the phrase popped into my head. I wonder... does it signify clinical depression? Or perhaps the man had SAD.

The sadist does have a stable of cocksuckers, jcn, and I am sure they are very well trained to perform exactly as he requires. But, while others may deliver great physical pleasure, no one else seems to have the talent of speaking the words trippingly on the tongue.. (Can't seem to get that damn play out of my head today...) So yes, he would be very loathe to lose me.

Paul said...

OG, blessed be my English teacher. she installed a love for Shakespeare that hasn't left me sixty years later.
I haven't checked but Hamlet, at the graveside, speaking to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, if my memory serves me,
Your Sadist measures his words well and lets your imagination do his work for him.
Love and warm hugs,

Liras said...

Oh my dear, once it starts to happen, once you go tripping down that dark and bumpy will not be able to look back but run ahead, trying to find sanctuary.

He has craved your skin but what if the mark he has imprinted in your psyche?