Sunday, October 5, 2008

PAIN 102

my training continues.

my satanic sadist is becoming more specific in his instructions, for which i am ever so grateful. it is much easier to please him now that i know more clearly what he wants.

his newly specified desires are no surprise really, considering that we are both acolytes of the power of the word. it’s not enough that he can see from my eyes and from my willingness to accept whatever torture he inflicts on me that i do want him to hurt me. it’s not enough that he knows from my screams and small movements to escape the blows that he is indeed hurting me. it’s not enough that he can deduce from my expressions of devotion that it is for his needs alone that i offer my body for his use because i want to please him and sate, if only for a moment, his horrific lusts.

he wants me to humiliate myself by begging him to hurt me and then hauling myself out of subspace enough to speak of my pain and plead for more.

he didn’t say anything about humiliation. as i was writing the last section that word can rushing out and i realized that, while i can easily write scenes and poems of asking him to hurt me for his pleasure, when i envision myself in the moment, i feel very shy and rather embarrassed.

there is nothing half-way about the tortures he unleashes on me. the spankings aren’t too bad, although when he smacks me very hard the sensation crosses the line from pain-that-is-pleasure into pain that is nothing more than pain. but the canings… the forthright beatings with a strip of baseboard trim that passes for a cane, the new cherry one heavier and less flexible than the original oak piece… the canings are just plain cruel and are meant to be so.

and now…

he has promised… he has threatened… that we will be moving on in my instruction. my training advances, as does his toying with my body and my fears, all for his amusement, all for his arousal, all for the satisfaction of directing the despoiling of my flesh and contradicting my insistence that he is not in fact evil.

he wants to prove otherwise.

and somehow, although now i am once again starting to be a bit afraid of what i have committed to, i want this. i am torn with longing for his next visit. longing and fear and curiosity and desire that is ripping my body into little panting shreds of begging flesh flecked with tears of moisture from my cunt.

and that’s what is so humiliating about asking him to hurt me.
i do want this.
i do want him to hurt me.
even though while it is going on i think it can’t stop soon enough.

i’m not sure i can take anything worse than what he did last time
but although my butt complained for days afterwards
i also floated for days afterwards on pure joy.

i am very confused.
but i am going forward.
i am not his slave.
i choose this
and i will continue to choose this
as long as i want it.
and i do want it.

below is a small... what shall i call it? it is a prayer almost, a ritual plea, that i wrote on waking up this morning. ever since he told me that he wants me to ask him to hurt me, as well as to speak to him of the pain as it happens, i have been obsessed with the notion of asking for the pain. i can’t shake it. my mind returns to it again and again, i keep thinking about it, and writing about it, and imagining doing it. i keep seeing myself standing there naked before him, looking up into his eyes, feeling so shy but still managing to look into his eyes, for his sake, for the sake of his own pleasure, for his pleasure, not mine, asking him…

and so i wrote the following, which pleased him and which he said i may share with you all, along with the above hints of his plans for me. i do not doubt that this brief relaxation in restrictions over what i may write was inspired by reasons both calculated and manipulative, and that he will thoroughly enjoy any concerns over my physical and emotional safety that are expressed to me either publicly or privately, but i can do no more than follow his instructions.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

please, Sir...

hurt me.

for your sake.
hurt me.
to feed your desire.
hurt me.
to feed your hunger.
hurt me.
to answer your need.
hurt me.

because i am yours.

hurt me.

because i am yours.

7 comments:

My naughty thoughts said...

Your post never cease to amaze me! I would only be repeating myself...so I will state it again. BEAUTIFUL piece.

Elspeth said...

I am wishing you much strength as you move forward on this journey. I always enjoy reading about your life. *smile*

You asked a question in your previous post about comments -- why on this post (erm, that post), not another.

I wonder that myself quite frequently, regarding my own blog. Often it seems as if the posts that I most badly would appreciate feedback on, receive the fewest comments. Go figure. Case in point is my post up today, referencing a quite awful fight I had with Owen (our first!), amongst other things. One (1) comment. *blink* Does that hurt, just a bit? Yeah, it does. But it makes me laugh too. I mean, what can you do?

I'm not meaning to make this all about me, just wanting you to know that I can relate. *smile*

I think it's true to say that the majority of blog readers don't leave comments, and of those who do, well, they just aren't, always, going to -- even when we're missing their kind and insightful words.

In the end, I blog for myself. And I love the community of readers that has built up. If sometimes they feel quiet? That's okay. Sometimes I feel quiet, too.

oatmeal girl said...

thank you, m.n.t. i don't mind your repeating yourself. what i'm writing about is scary, so a compliment is a nice and reassuring distraction from the content. and i do need the approval.

elspeth - and i enjoy reading about your journey, tho i spend so much time writing for the blog and for my tutor and mulling over the things he tosses at me in his quest to bend my will to his that i don't read as much as i would wish.

i think my torturer raised the question about comments on that particular post because he likes to make my readers worry about my safety. so i suspect he was disappointed not to hear people's reactions to this increase in the severity of his assaults on my body.

as for me, while sometimes i would dearly love to know what others think about what i'm going through, i do understand about not commenting, even about posts i think are particularly good. at times i feel there just isn't anything i can add. this has been a big issue for me with Gray Lily's blog www.journeyintosubmission.com which i think is brilliant. for the longest time i said nothing. what could i possibly say that would be worth putting out there? she had already said it all, and beautifully.

so the fiend wants to think he has shocked you all (i think...) and i want support and guidance, even if i don't necessarily agree. i want to feel that i'm not alone in struggling with something that i don't really understand, and i hope for the benefit of greater experience even if i end up not agreeing with the suggestions and opinions.

i guess i should go read about your fight, elspeth...

thanks to you both and to all who will and have commented. i need all the help i can get.

Anonymous said...

Breath taking not shocking...
Concerns yes...
We see no soothing...

oatmeal girl said...

You're right, of course, anonymous (anon-FL?). There was nothing really shocking in this post, it's just that we are venturing into activities that are more extreme than i have experienced up till now.

As for your concerns - you are right. The Evil One does not do aftercare.

i was admittedly concerned when i first learned about that, but so far it has been fine. There is a small amount of what to me is comfort during my lesson, even if it isn't meant as such, and when he leaves I am quite quite high. This time I was prepared with the frozen peas right there in a little cooler, which in a way felt as if the philosopher were there taking care of his poor, beaten kitten. Next time, though, i think i'll need 2 bags of peas...

what also seems to serve as some measure of aftercare is more of a de-briefing. i am required to immediately e-mail him with a first impression report on what went on, while i'm closer to the experience but also more sub-space befogged. the next day i am to report again with a little more perspective. this processing of the experience seems to focus and soothe me, as well as helping me to learn from what i've been through. obviously, the first function of the exercise is to entertain my tormentor, but there's no reason why an activity can't be multi-functional.

My main concern about the lack of protracted after-care is exhaustion, which was particularly evident this last week and can be addressed by trying to avoid my needing to run off to something shortly after a lesson. there is also this amazing sense of collaboration, which submissive as i am somehow enables me to feel like a more active participant and perhaps makes me more able to provide my own after-care.

Thank you very much for your concern - which, indeed, is another way I am cared for...

Anonymous said...

Kitten,

I don't assume to know what is best for you or what makes you most happy..But as a loyal reader this one feels you are getting the short end of the stick.. Okay you are not looking for love with the evil one, but in the same token you are giving parts of yourself to him, perhaps some of the most important parts of yourself your inner most thoughts..would it make the evil one less evil to soothe your body as well as your mind?

Please we (the royal we)*smiles* are trying not to judge it's just we think you deserve more from the evil one...*hugs*

fl

mamacrow said...

no, bizarly, I'm not shocked by this post....

I think because you sound so grounded and independent and sassy... yes, even in the midst of your submission!

When you say that you're not a slave, that you want this, and that you'll continue as long as you want it - that made sense to me, you both get what you need out of it...

So makes sense you do your own after care in a way...

what did shock me (but you've mentioned it before so I've already been shocked) is his using baseboard strip as a cane...

I don't know why - seems perfectly logical and reasoned, but it does feel shocking to me...

((((hugs))))

just remain looking after yourself because you're WORTH IT (sorry, not meaning to turn into a loriel add!)