painpleasurepainmmmm...

He was here tonight.
The cats are still disconcerted.
He hurt me tonight.
He hurt me and I screamed and I cried
and I begged for more.
He hurt me and I begged for more
not because I liked it
but to please him.
I did please him.
And he hurt me.

He scared me this time.
It was the first time, really.
Not the whole time
but there were moments...
moments when I felt this fear.
Fear of what he would do to me.
Thinking about it now,
somewhat rationally
though still floating in a haze
of endorphins and oxytocin,
I know that there is nothing to be afraid of.
I know that I can always sit up and say
"Stop. That's it. I don't want this."
But I don't. I didn't. And maybe
that's what scares me.

He hurt me.
He hurt me more than before.
Or maybe not. I'm not sure.
I was feeling very vulnerable
even before he let loose his
sadistic will on my pale naked body,
so maybe things just hurt more.
Certainly, I found them harder to deal with.

He scared me.
He hurt me.
A lot.
I screamed.
A lot.
More than ever.
And I cried.
I was crying even before the first blow.
I cried and I screamed and I sobbed and I came.

He hurt me.
And he marked me.
I feel like his property.
I always feel like his property
but even more after a visit.
I feel like his property
and that makes me feel proud.

I learned things.
He taught me things.
I treasure the lessons,
the direction he gives me,
the requirements,
even the punishments
because they point the way.

I think I pleased him.
I hope I did.
Because that's all that matters.

I will be floating for days.
I'll be hurting for days, too,
and am glad I have the weekend
to tend to my wounds
(well, not wounds exactly
but I wish I could go topless
for the next three days...)

I will be floating for days
and happier for even longer
and I think that I pleased him
and I do want to please him
and there are things to remember
and I'll write him more poems
and I'll float through the pain
and admire my bruises
and sleep like a baby
as long as I don't roll over
on my front or my back
and I'll float through the weekend
and eventually
the cats
will stop looking nervous.

Thank you, Sir.

Don't worry, kittens.
Everything will be all right.