OK, folks. Out with it. A number of you have made reference in various ways to being worried about my relationship with my sadistic Svengali.
What is it that worries you exactly?
Given that:
- he is a sadist
- he is manipulative
- he exploits my vulnerabilities
Given also that even as he draws out my submission, he makes me glow, he makes me strong, and he inspires and disciplines me as a writer.
Why are so many of you worried?
Be bold.
Be specific.
Be honest.
Let's get this out on the table. I am asking in good faith and request true and open answers.
please...?
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8 comments:
Kitten...
You don't need to ask us why we worry about you...
You know the answers to that question...
In your heart you know better than we, why your readers and friends are concerned about you..
As you wrote in one of your last posts the sadistic Svengali chooses to play a *certain* role in your life, to maintain a *certain* persona; that may be, but you are *not* a certain persona, you are your whole self, and knowing the fragile mood you described and all the things you are dealing with, well, it could be just too much. What worries me is not so much what he could do to you, but what you could do to yourself, driving *yourself* to extremes. That can be tempting, and addictive, but also exhausting and devastating. I just would hate to see you get really hurt in that way, or in any way.
Dear anon-FL, I've learned to never make assumptions. For example, while it was a private comment from Louise that inspired this little post, I wouldn't have guessed what precisely concerned her. The philosopher's concerns were different, but for various reasons these have largely been laid to rest.
If you are specific, the possibilities are either that I will take them more seriously or (I hope) I will be able to reassure you that he is not all that dangerous and/or that I can take care of myself.
So please, please be bold and let me know what is on your mind.
Hey OG, sorry I'm late to comment on this post...
I'm not sure I AM concerned. I don't think I would like to be in this relationship, but then that's not what you asked, is it!
You sound like you are very self aware, that this relationship is meeting A need (but not all, but you're aware of that) and that you are aware that you are entering it by choice.
If you truly mean all you've said on these topics, then I'm not concerned. (not that it matters if I am, of course!)
If you are trying to CONVINCE yourself, rather, then I am a little concerned.
but everyone recovers from relationship breakup/change in their own way babe xxx and ((hugs))
Thanks, mamacrow. I do a good job at pretending to be self-aware. in the end I always seem to mess up, but for now things are largely very fulfilling. I may sometimes feel nervous, but I never really feel unsafe. of course, I may just be high on endorphins, but that's a pretty nice space to be in...
the relationship is unsafe, and
determental to your soul, spirit
and eventually body.
Dear C. - my soul is soaring, my spirit is ecstatic, and my body is actually quite safe. My collector knows what he is doing, and is patiently teaching me and guiding me to serve him as well as to serve my own talent. In fact, his patience stuns me sometimes; I'm not always the easiest to put up with; blame poetic temperament, red hair, and a complete collection of neuroses and disorders. And sometimes I'm just plain dense. A less focused man would have caned me till I bled by now.
Dear anonymous c. - I do hope my responses to your recent spate of comments don't give the impression that they aren't welcome in all their fierce concern for my safety. My evil educator was in fact quite pleased with their fearless honesty, and neither of us would want you to hold your tongue or moderate your expression.
The philosopher is always alert to threats to my safety, but I do appreciate knowing that others are on guard as well. And while I feel quite secure in my judgment about my relationship with my tempting torturer, I have been known to make more than one really lousy choice in my lifetime of doomed relationships, and it never hurts to have other people telling me I'm an idiot. In the past, they have been known to be right.
If you want to discuss all this further, you are welcome to e-mail my privately via my profile page or through FetLife.
And thanks again for feeling free to speak out.
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