Sunday, March 29, 2009

Don't assume

Just because I haven't been mentioning the philosopher in every post doesn't mean that I don't miss him. I came home late this afternoon from the final deliberations of a committee I've been serving on, pleased with the outcome, pleased with the process, and desperately wishing I could call him up - or at least e-mail him - and say: It's done. We did good. And next Saturday morning I can sleep in.

I did e-mail the sadist when I came home. But it wasn't the same. It was more to tell him I was home and available to handle whatever assignments he wishes to give me than to share with him my thoughts and reactions. It's not that sort of relationship. He is not my boyfriend.

I miss talking theology with John.
I miss talking politics with John.
I miss telling him the latest cute things the cats did.
I miss hearing about the latest DVD he's watched.

Hmm... I just checked. He hasn't removed me from his Netflix friends list. Of course, I haven't removed him from mine, either...

I did take his picture off my desk at work. But, and this is a hard admission, I haven't changed the picture on my computer desktop. It is still a beautiful, pensive shot I took of him over a year ago, a profile, reading a magazine, with a slight smile in the corner of his mouth.

I can't do it.

I just can't do it.

He is too much a part of me.

He doesn't seem to be visiting here any more. Or if he is, he's covering his tracks very successfully. But he hadn't been here much in the final few weeks anyway.

It's Spring. Even 4 hours north of here, it must be Spring. I hope he is feeling better. I hope he isn't too angry with me. I hope he doesn't miss me. I hope he is getting work done.

I lied.

I do hope he misses me.
I wish there were a way we could have made it work.
I still wish there were a way to make it work.
But I mustn't think that way.
It achieves nothing.
Nothing but pain.
It's easier to deal with the sadist's torture than loss.

So I don't write about him.
I write about Spring and cats and floggers and welts.
But that doesn't mean I don't still grieve.
And it doesn't mean I don't still wish for a miracle.


Autumn said...


My heart goes out to you.

Ellie said...

I miss Hawk so much I can barely breathe. But I can't write that on my blog because he would read it and be over in five minutes and I'd take him back except I mustn't ... So I write about the lover. And wonder if I'll ever be able to breathe easy again.

cutesy pah said...

love and hugs to you, my dear sweet friend.

keep breathing.

that which you resist, persists.

and the only way out is through.

You simply must think of him, or you will never heal.

and you cannot beat yourself up for loving a man.

this is life and you are human.

much love and hugs,
cutesy pah

thedirtyblonde said...

It's always the ones we can't have or who don't want us. I'm sorry you're hurting so much *hugs*.

baby girl said...

of course you miss him, honey. you can't just turn that stuff off. i've been trying really hard to do just that where my ex is concerned, but it's not working. i'm afraid there's nothing for it but time. it seems impossible to let go, but i'm walking through it. one step at a time.

in the meantime, i'm glad you have someone to keep you busy, distracted and stimulated.


mamacrow said...

'Just because I haven't been mentioning the philosopher in every post doesn't mean that I don't miss him.'

I know honey. (((HUGS))

Aurore said...

I have just starting reading your blog but I can relate to this post.

Anytime we lose someone important it feels like you lost part of yourself.

Take care of yourself.

Louise said...

Girl, I'm so mixed-up these days I really can't make up anything sensible to say... Know that I think of you, sending you many hugs. xxx

oatmeal girl said...

i'm crying.

i came here fully intending to say something sweet and thankful to each and every one of you. and now i can't. i'm just deeply deeply touched.

thank you.

i feel warmly held.

cutesy pah said...

good! I'm glad you finally realize we're not going anywhere!

so, here's a kleenex. have some popcorn. do you want a soda?

oh yeah, and stop hogging the pillows on the couch! *giggles*

*yelling* who's got the ice cream container? is there any pizza left?

oatmeal girl said...

So are we going to set a date for this pyjama party or what?