Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I'll be OK

I can't write much tonight.
I have a curfew.

It feels so good to have someone taking care of me - even though I know the sadist is doing it for selfish reasons. I am sure he just wants me well rested so that I can serve him with energy and focus. There is a chance that I will be having a lesson sometime this week. I've been in training.

The comments some of you have been leaving over the last few days have been warm and loving and helpful and a good kick in the pants. Thank you all.

I did in fact get a little exercise today. I still haven't made it back to the health club, but I walked up to the post office and back and it felt good. The skies started clearing and my mood starting clearing and I feel less distressed. Sad, but not so angry.

I would like to publicly apologize to the philosopher, whom I love. And because I love him, no matter what happens, I shouldn't be beating up on him.

I love you and I miss you and I need to accept the realities and not wish for the impossible. Nothing is possible until you finish, and even then - the reason why I keep getting so distressed - there will likely be nothing, and I have to accept that. It is sad, it is a waste, but that may be all there is. And carrying on like this is certainly not going to make things better.

Still, your underwear is in my drawer.

I have to get to bed by 11:15. And I have 10 minutes of special exercises to do before then.

Thank you again. To all of you.


mamacrow said...

Hope things continue to pick up babe (((hugs)))

I have to say, 'special' exersises sound most intrigueing!

baby girl said...

glad you're feeling better. being out in the sunshine does wonders for me too. ah spring!

i love having a curfew. or rules for diet and exercise. makes me feel looked after and like i don't have a choice but to take care of myself. i'm glad you've got someone looking out for you in that way (even if his motivation is selfish ;-). xox

Louise said...

You can't do 10 minutes of special exercises in 8 minutes, girl... *frowns*

oatmeal girl said...

mamacrow - Spring weather is coming back, I took my meds back up a tiny bit, and I'm suddenly very very horny. So far, so good.

As for my exercises... nothing really exotic, except that they are required. For my owner's pleasure.

Everything is for his pleasure.

baby girl - I love such rules, too! The philosopher used to set my bedtime, and I had to be sure to be in bed before he wrote or phoned to tuck me in. He loved the sens of control, and he did, I think, enjoy feeling that he was taking care of me. He is a sweet and good man.

The sadist... is definitely doing it for selfish reasons. But yes, the outcome is still beneficial to me, and I do love feeling both controlled and taken care of.

Louise - you are way too good at math. I confess, as I confessed to the man who owns and beats me. I was 7 minutes last getting into bed and still had to do my exercises. Still, I did fall right to sleep. I am very slowly getting my strength back. I will need it for when he finally visits me again.

cutesy pah said...

when the heart hurts, it sucks, plain and simple. I'm sorry you have to suffer with this.

as for the sadist's selfish reasons, I prefer my man to be selfish. there's something so sexy about a man who wants you to do something for his pleasure with the notion that he cares nothing for your opinion, your wants or needs.

yet, the truth is that he chose you as the one to ensure his pleasure. above all others, you are the one he knew would rise to meet the challenge, and you are the one he trusted with that challenge. he did not trust you with this challenge because you will disappoint him. he trusted you with this challenge because he knows you will please him.

isn't submission selfish too? don't we submit because it pleases us? don't we choose to submit to those whose dominance enthralls us? don't we selfishly choose to submit to those who we believe will dominate us, and aren't we disappointed, dissatisfied with those who claim to be dominant, those who we trusted to please us with their dominance?

isn't what living a good life is all about - being selfish enough to get our wants and needs met to the point of pleasure?

this is why I love selfish men: they aren't afraid of getting their needs and wants met. this is why I believe dominants love strong-headed women: they aren't afraid of owning their submission in order to get their wants and needs met.

but, hey, it's just my .02 worth. your mileage may vary...

{{oatmeal girl}} hugs, sweetie!

mamacrow said...

cutesy pah - love it, well said.

oatmeal girl said...

cutesy pah - Many thanks for your thoughtful comment. The thing about the sadist's focus on his own needs is that it suits me. He focuses ME. he gives me the discipline I lack. He makes me serve him, write for him, create for him, THINK for him, and even if the reason he is making em a better writer, a better poet, is for his own selfish enjoyment and pride of ownership, the fact of the matter is that it makes ME better and therefore gives me strength and a stronger sense of self. Plus he feeds and incites my fantasies of being owned, hurt, and sued, while generally having a good sense of how much I can handle and then just going a little bit farther. He is not perfect (he would deny that, of course) but he isn't that far off, at least as far as I am concerned, and we have made our way back from the danger zone and are better now at dealing with it.

And you are right. If I'm going to have a dom in my life, he's better be really dominant. And that sadist is. Absolutely. He reeks of it. There's nothing fake about it.

And he is exactly what I need.

Perhaps, right now, even more than I need to be loved.

cutesy pah said...

and you are loved, here and now. just the way you are. you are perfect at being you.

{{oatmeal girl}}