I do know part of what's going on.
Not why I'm angry, unless I'm angry at fate.
And you can't revenge yourself against fate.
But I do know why everything is suddenly so hard to take.
I have always had a hard time with loss.
Having grown up in New York City, I took the attack on September 11th very seriously. I didn't stop crying for 2 weeks - not until I took a half of a magic pill which stopped the tears cold. Being in DC when it happened, being evacuated, that was scary. But New York? That was my city they attacked. I went into a clinical depression that lasted 2 years.
Well, now I'm truly starting to face my parents' mortality. Not that I'm all that close to them. More walls of protection there. And not that I thought they were immortal, although somehow they seemed to be and are living so long (88 and 91 now) that we are all starting to wonder.
But my mom had a bad fall backwards and is now doing better but still in pain and using a walker and feeling depressed and I'm fearing that it will send them both downhill and I just don't deal well with loss. And in some ways it's even harder when your feelings were ambivalent. Oh, the guilt!
Love and loss. Here we go again.
Which all cycles back to rejection. Of not being good enough.
And of not wanting to have to face the inevitable alone.
I'm not handling anything well right now.
Except when the sadist calls me angel.
When he says I'm a good girl.
When he manipulates me with these little rich truffles of approval.
And then I would do anything for him.
Because at least he is giving me something.
And you can do a lot worse than chocolate.