Monday, March 16, 2009

A partial answer

I do know part of what's going on.

Not why I'm angry, unless I'm angry at fate.
And you can't revenge yourself against fate.

But I do know why everything is suddenly so hard to take.

I have always had a hard time with loss.

Having grown up in New York City, I took the attack on September 11th very seriously. I didn't stop crying for 2 weeks - not until I took a half of a magic pill which stopped the tears cold. Being in DC when it happened, being evacuated, that was scary. But New York? That was my city they attacked. I went into a clinical depression that lasted 2 years.

Well, now I'm truly starting to face my parents' mortality. Not that I'm all that close to them. More walls of protection there. And not that I thought they were immortal, although somehow they seemed to be and are living so long (88 and 91 now) that we are all starting to wonder.

But my mom had a bad fall backwards and is now doing better but still in pain and using a walker and feeling depressed and I'm fearing that it will send them both downhill and I just don't deal well with loss. And in some ways it's even harder when your feelings were ambivalent. Oh, the guilt!

Love and loss. Here we go again.

Which all cycles back to rejection. Of not being good enough.

And of not wanting to have to face the inevitable alone.

So yes.
I'm struggling.
I'm depressed.
I'm not handling anything well right now.
Except when the sadist calls me angel.
When he says I'm a good girl.
When he manipulates me with these little rich truffles of approval.
And then I would do anything for him.
Because at least he is giving me something.

And you can do a lot worse than chocolate.


Vesta said...


When you feel like this, you have to break the cycle. We submissives can do misery really well; too well!
There is an actor here who had a breakdown on the stage, which wasn't such a bad thing, because then he had to face his depression. He has taken the advice to heart, and puts on his walking shoes, rail, hail or shine, and walks every single morning of his life. He says no pill or therapy has ever been better for his state of mind than doing that.
Now, the truffles will do you no harm at all. Eat as many of those as you want. But, let's have you walking every day. Okay?
(P.S. Yes, I know. I can be bossy!)

Louise said...

You must be so tired, deary, the journey seems to be at a crossroad and I guess you do need a break to rest, to ponder, and to put things into perspective. I know how tempting, and addictive, and interesting and fascinating it can be to go on and on and on, that does appeal to an utterly extreme, zestful and stubborn soul, but it does take a lot and you do have to take care it does not take everything you got. It may be hard to let go this so adorable fever, this fever that keeps us going, not only the subbie fever, but also the emotional fever, the intellectual fever, this craving for play and wit and sparring and fun and, oh yes, love, but you don't have to lose that, you only need a little rest to reconsider... :) You need sleep, and long walks, like Vesta said, with the wind in your hair and the sun on your face, and good food, and lots and lots of rest. Promise sweetie?

Anonymous said...

Such good friends you have to show so much concern.

They gave good practical advice, which I can say with some experience works. (Did 500 miles on my bike last year)

How about this as philosophy, "this too shall pass"

Hoping the sun comes out tomorrow!


oatmeal girl said...

You guys!! You do really make me feel so well taken care of. I feel all warm and hugged. Thank you ever so much.

And of course, I know I need to exercise. I start trying to set up a regimen and then something always interferes. this time it was the nasty virus, leaving me with energy so low that I could hardly move at all.

All my doctors (and boy do I have a lot of them), all my doctors say I have to exercise.

Vesta, I'm quite impressed by the actor you mention. I'm a wimp about walking in bad weather. But I know it helps - walking or any other exercise. Endorphins with no welts and bruises and chafed nipples to explain.

Louise! What a beautiful comment! And so thoughtful... and yes, you're right, I do get into these loops, self-flagellation, massaging my misery until it is raw and bleeding.

Dumb, isn't it?

Thank you for the gentle slap.

Yes, James, they are amazing friends - and some of them are new!

500 miles on your bike sounds excessive... no, really I'm very impressed. That's what I need to do.

And the sun came out this afternoon.

Hugs to you all!

(Hmmm.... I wonder what's happened to the British contingent. I haven't heard from Paul and mamacrow much lately...)

mamacrow said...

I'm here, just a bit unelequent and rushed a the mo :(

the sun has come out here too, but my mood unfortunately hasn't. ah well :)

You're sounding better, I'm glad...

Paul hasn't been around for ages, I hope he's ok?

Anonymous said...

Oatmeal girl that was a typo. I actually did 5000 miles last year. One bike trip in Colorado I did 450 miles in the high mountains in a week.

what fun afterward talking with my other bike buddies and drinking beer.

But I couldn't wait to get back home to my sub and make her feel a different kind of pain.

The sun is out today and back on my bike!