I've known it was over for a while now.
Deep inside, I knew it could never work.
But I was too weak to pull the plug.
I just couldn't let go, couldn't give it up.
Couldn't let go of the dreams;
couldn't give up on the fantasies,
a life that I wanted which could never be real.
So I pushed and badgered,
hitting him with darts disguised as e-mails
until at last
I deserve it.
I was a coward.
And I pushed him into trying again and again to make something work that he kept saying never could. He was right and I was stubborn when I should have accepted that he knew himself better than I ever could. Or wanted to. I refused to accept the truth.
It was a lost cause.
He couldn't handle the distance.
I couldn't handle the silence and the absence.
And I felt it all drifting away the longer we were apart.
Long distance relationships need care and feeding.
His dissertation needs care and feeding even more
and he was right to say that having a relationship now was crazy.
I am very sad.
And I take full responsibility for everything I did wrong.
I am very very sad.
And I need to get used to not thinking of him as part of my life.
My heart will feel empty for quite a while.