Wednesday, March 18, 2009

It's over

I've known it was over for a while now.
Deep inside, I knew it could never work.
But I was too weak to pull the plug.
I just couldn't let go, couldn't give it up.
Couldn't let go of the dreams;
couldn't give up on the fantasies,
a life that I wanted which could never be real.
So I pushed and badgered,
hitting him with darts disguised as e-mails
until at last
he said

He's angry.

I deserve it.

I was a coward.

And I pushed him into trying again and again to make something work that he kept saying never could. He was right and I was stubborn when I should have accepted that he knew himself better than I ever could. Or wanted to. I refused to accept the truth.

It was a lost cause.

He couldn't handle the distance.
I couldn't handle the silence and the absence.
And I felt it all drifting away the longer we were apart.
Long distance relationships need care and feeding.
His dissertation needs care and feeding even more
and he was right to say that having a relationship now was crazy.

I am very sad.
And I take full responsibility for everything I did wrong.

I am very very sad.

And I need to get used to not thinking of him as part of my life.

My heart will feel empty for quite a while.


mina said...

I am so very sorry. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

I know I don't know anything like the full story, but it doesn't seem like you did anything wrong. Even if a relationship is not possible, you are not wrong for wanting it, or for trying to find ways for it to continue. Please don't think of yourself as wrong... it's sad but not wrong :(

thinking of you

milla xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Louise said...

Oh sweetheart, let me hug you... how I wished to be near you and to be able to do something real... Please be tender with yourself. much love and many, many hugs, louise.

baby girl said...

my heart dropped for you when i read your post title. i'm so sorry.

i don't know what to say, except that my heart and thoughts are with you. i wish i could do more. these cyber hugs seem so inadequate.

i echo velvet and louise. please don't be so hard on yourself and treat yourself gently. xoxox

mamacrow said...

My heart too sank at the title... I'm so sorry. Please stop saying how wrong you were... you really weren't...

cutesy pah said...

like all the others, I wish I were there to hug you, and hold you while you cry. you deserve someone who makes you the center of his universe. you have to let him go so you can meet the one who truly meets your needs.

the Serenity Prayer really works for me in times like this. all you can do is be you.

it hurts, but it's not your fault. you can't control his choices, or his lack of interest, or his false claim that pushing you away was his only choice.

it wasn't your fault he went away. he had choices, and he made them. no matter how hard you try, or how much you do, or how much you give up, it's still his choice.

his choices are something over which you have no control. there will always be those who choose not to recognize your awesomeness. there will be those that no matter what you do, they will be unhappy.

there are many out there who are comfortable in their misery. they are not happy in their misery, but it is comfortable. and it is frightening to change. so rather than change, they wallow in their misery. and remember the saying, "misery loves company?" it's a well-known phrase for a reason: because it's true.

remember the words of Emily Dickinson: there is nothing that cannot be cured with a good book and a hot bath.

love, hugs and positive energy sent your way.


weirdgirl said...



been right there...AM right there...

hurts like a bitch (and NOT in the good way)


oatmeal girl said...


You all are amazing.

What a beautiful bunch of friends.

I'm feeling better tonight. partly from the very no-nonsense, cut-the- crap things my demon muse said to me, and partly from the stimulation of three long phone interviews with some very interesting people that i had to conduct for a project from one of my other outside interests. And then before i started to respond to these comments, i read over what i wrote last night.

a crucial part is the very first line.

"I've known it was over for a while now." Which is true. It's just that I've been fighting it. Refusing to accept it.

I don't know how much of it is a death caused by lack of contact and how much, and how much the inevitable death of something that just could never be, because of who he is and who I am and where we are in our lives. Not so much an age difference as a life difference. An experience difference. A willingness to take chances. Or maybe not.
In any case, over the last few weeks I've been feeling it draining away, I've been feeling that I was pretending to myself that it was still alive. We've hardly been in contact for a very long time, and it turned out I couldn't keep it going on my own.

The reason I am apologizing, the reason why I am pissed at myself and taking responsibility, is that I was a coward. I so much didn't want to admit that this fated relationship hadn't been able to survive, after I had promised that of course I would be fine with whatever arrangement he wanted, that I couldn't admit that it was over.

I couldn't say I can't do it this way and I understand that this is the only way you can be right now, and I love you but I'm sorry it's over.

I just couldn't do it.

So I was fucking MEAN. I pushed and nagged and threw clods of angst- filled mud at him until of course he had had enough. Whereas if I hadn't been so chicken-shit we could have parted sadly but sanely and kindly, respecting what we had been to each other. Which at some point was very very special.

I sullied it.

And it is for this that I take responsibility.

For this I apologize.

I pushed him into continuing when he knew it couldn't work, and then I beat up on him when it turned out he was right.

This is no way to treat someone you love.

cutesy pah said...

honey, honey, honey, honey, honey!! STOP!!! stop beating yourself up. stop taking more than 50% of your share of the responsbility for the relationship.

You utilized denial for a while, and then you began manipulating the situation attempting to gain control over his actions. so what?! we're all human, and we all do it!!

does that mean you're evil? NO! does that justify calling yourself mean? NO! it only means that instead of being passive-aggressive, you were just aggressive.

the truth is he was being just as mean, but was hiding under his attempts to control the situation by ignoring, or denying it, or avoiding it and you. that's why it's called passive-aggressive. his actions were covert while yours were overt. it's all the same in the end.

you were both in pain, both in denial, and then both acted out so that you could break up, and feel justified by it. because it sounds as though neither of you could go quietly, and peacefully - because it hurt too much.

and, that's ok. you're human. and you acted human. and you're still perfect at being you. no one can be a better you. and you're never going to be as good being someone other than you.

it's ok. no matter what you throw out there, or tell us how horrible (in your opinion) that you acted, or how badly (in your opinion) that you behaved, or whatever else you can say, we're not going anywhere. we still love you.

try as you might, we're not giving up on you that easily. nor, try as you might to chase us off, we're not going away that easily.

so, settle back, have a good cry, and then hug yourself, and feel and know that it's all of us hugging you. we're all right behind you, all of the time.

'cause in real time or online, we're your friends. and that's what friends do. and that's what friends are for.

so as I stand, hands on hips, arms akimbo, stamping my foot one, and tipping my head forward once smartly, and laughing loudly, I say to you, "so there! hmph!! take that missy! we're not leaving!" *giggles*

{{{oatmeal girl}}}

oatmeal girl said...

cutesy pah, you give a great scolding. are you sure you don't have a bit of the domme in you?

anyway, you crack me up. for which many thanks.

and now i have some physical assignments to perform for the sadist. one of them, something new, should be both arousing and painful. at least it's arousing to think of it...

Elspeth said...

Oh, honey. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Hang in there, as best you can. Me too, by the way. I knew it was over, with Mark, for a long time. He did too. Knew it was and should be wand wasn't working. But until you're truly ready to see it and feel it and breathe it, well ... it's not over.

Many {{hugs}}

~ Ellie

Louise said...

I completely agree with cutesy pah, that was so well-said and true. And yes, there might be a bit of a domme in some of us, especially when it comes to adorable-but-too-damn-stubborn-for-their-own-good-kittens I guess... Do take care, and don't forget the good book and the hot bath. (hugs)

mamacrow said...

well said cutsey pah!

well my maternal side can be quite Dommeish.

Would commanding you to hot baths and new books help?! ;-)


cutesy pah said...

how about instead of domme, I'm more momme? *giggles*

seriously, I'm an assertive woman who's learned the hard way that I have to take care of me because no one else will do it for me. and trying to be more submissive, or a better friend, or lover, or respecting his boundaries while ignoring my own doesn't work. been there, done that, got the scars to prove it.

and it annoys the ever-loving f*ck out of me when a guy, who claims to be dominant, tells me that I'm not being submissive because I stand up for myself, and tell him that his way of life doesn't work for me. that's just crazy! and it happens all the time!

grrrr!!! how about instead of domme, it's more like wolfe? *giggles*

hugs, honey!

oatmeal girl said...

You guys are too much! You're making me want to have you all over... I know we're all scattered geographically, but at times like this it feels like we live up the street from each other.

The sadist has indeed been quite firm in telling me to get over it - and on the other hand ordering me the other night to spend some time in the middle of my required exercises writing about it. He didn't want to see what I write, but he wanted me to do it so I can get it out of my system and refocus on working for him. And in fact, I had very little to say.

Ellie is right - we can know for a long time that something is over, just as we can know that something is NOT over. That's one of the sad things about it, I suppose. We did give it another chance, we both knew it wasn't over, but just declaring it wasn't over wasn't enough.

mamacrow said...

'but just declaring it wasn't over wasn't enough.'

there, maybe you have it. So stop beating yourself up, this was something that you both needed to happen? Hard and horrible a thought as that is.

How I WISH you were down the street. I could force my way in for herbal tea and moan about my mothers day morning from hell!

Still the afternoon was nice so I 'can't' complain...