Thursday, October 29, 2009

Castigation

My Master is angry.

He flogged me with his words, then forged them into a dagger for me to drive into my belly, every hour on the hour. He demanded proof of my obedience, and every hour on the hour I stained a handkerchief with my falling tears and droplets of blood, then sent it off with words of regret and submission and panic and love.

His chain is tight around my neck, and even in the silence, especially in the silence, I feel his anger. My eyes seek his, promising perfect obedience while seeking signs of his desire. There is nothing but silence. I go through my day, you see me go through my day. But what passes before you is only the thinnest of shells.

I am with him.
All that I am
is focused on him.
In this my world,
nothing
exists
but him.

I love you, my Lord.
Please forgive me.

5 comments:

nancy said...

Silence is the worst punishment of all.
i die from the lack of words.. and knowing he is angry only makes it that much worse.
Hugs

Paul said...

OG, his withdrawal must really hurt, I hope that he relents soon.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.

Florida Dom said...

In your previous posts, you really seemed to be making a connection with Him so I hope this blows over and you get back in his good graces again.

Do you mind sharing what made him angry and if you think he is justfied in his anger? Is he doing a good job of training you to follow his wishes and making sure there's no doubt what they are?

FD

oatmeal girl said...

nancy - there was no word from 3:30 yesterday afternoon until 8:45 this morning, at which point I received one sentence of further instructions. At least I knew he hadn't cut me off. So I obey and continue to wait.

Paul - he is angry and frustrated, but what he is doing is testing, training, and re-focusing as much as punishing. Think of the climactic scene in The Secretary. It is somewhat the same effect although not the same action. I am learning while proving myself. It is very effective and very powerful and makes me feel very close to him.

FD - there is indeed a strong connection between us. The faults are all mine. To some extent they can be attributed to my ADD, SAD, and bipolarity, but that alphabet soup cannot excuse it. I need to work extra hard to overcome my tendencies and be worthy of him. He is an extraordinary man so I'm not using that concept lightly - being worthy of him. He gives me so much, is such a healthy influence, even as he drags me into his perversions and prepares me to be enjoyed by a hungry line of his most disreputable acquaintances.

Yes, he is justified in his anger. I brought up a valid issue in a very inappropriate tone, which made him think that my submission is a character that I assume and dispose of at will. The accusation was devastating, because I know how deep and true my submission is. It is not a game.

The tone I used... yes, it was inappropriate, born out of fear and defensiveness. The topic was serious, and I remembered his having dismissed it the last time I raised it. And in this case, he accepted my points as valid, but was infuriated by how I presented them. And he was right. I did not speak the way I speak to him.

I am learning. Day by day, for a year and more, I am learning.

mamacrow said...

oh no :( it's horrid when that happens - when the connection is so deep, and it's all going swimmingly, and then one does something and oops....

(((HUGS)))

I'm sure he knows really the depth and quality of your submission. (((HUGS))) and best wishes that purgitory is over soon xxx