Saturday, October 31, 2009

Fury

hands
flogger
smashing cane
palm smacked across my face
head banged against the wall
fingers twisting screaming nipples
knotted lashes fiercely flying
buttocks, tits, up into cunt
chain wrapped around my neck
stealing breath
claiming life

crawl.
and in your crawling
say everything.

sobbing.
shaking, choking sobs.

pleading.

here, he said.
drink some water.
take a deep breath.
from here.
now
breathe out.
and again.
feel that?

i felt it.
i knew.

he frightened me.
he hurt me.
he left colors on my ass,
groaning red and purple-black
my skin has never known.
these welts don't bring pride.
these are welts of shame
for not giving,
for not trusting,
for not knowing...

there was no pleasure there.

he left me standing
back against the wall
hands behind my neck
chain around my throat
sobs sending tears down my cheeks.
tell me that you love me, he said.
again! he said.
i love you! i cried
in deep despairing grief.

i stood there
as ordered
until i heard him leave.
i threw myself on the futon
and soaked the sheet with tears.

and yet.
i submitted.
i did not flee the pain.
and he was here.
there's something that he wants.
still.
something that he wants from me
something that he values
something
that makes him
try
to train me,
try
to mold me,
try
to free me
from holding it back.
he knows it's in there.
he knows he wants it.
he knows he'll get it.

and i'll tear myself open
and offer my soul.

no one has ever wanted me the way he does.

i will learn.
and i will give him what he wants.

7 comments:

mamacrow said...

wow. I take it that was your punishment? the one you've been waiting for AND for the recent issue as well?

'no one has ever wanted me the way he does.' wow :) happy wow!

and.. r u ok? you know, got frozen peas, and emotional contact and and stuff....

oatmeal girl said...

Mo, mamacrow, this was not that planned punishment. That still hasn't happened - and maybe it has been derailed and subsumed. The arrangements for that were complicated, as it was to have been an extended session, and the Beast was angling to be included.

This morning's event was born of a fury still hot, his anger fed by the tone of a message sent the other day and, most likely, from all his frustrations as he tries to make me into what he knows I can be.

Don't get too excited by that statement about how he wants me. What it was meant to reflect was the reality he and I both know that no one else has ever really seen into me, really understood me, and really ready to put up with me in order to enjoy what the sadist knows is there and no one else has detected yet.

Am I ok? I'm not sure... I had bought a new pair a bags of frozen peas shortly after I threw out the last set, and after sending him the required e-mail with my reactions to the event, having viewed the damage to my bottom, I did get the peas and lay down on my belly with one cold compress on each cheek. Ketzel was already on the bed and was clearly concerned. She came to my head and massaged it with her claws, then lay down next to it.

There were those few moments... when he told me to drink some water from the glass I always have to put out for him, and then directed me to take those deep breaths...

And he ordered me to take a nap this afternoon. All of these made me feel taken care of. Reminded me that I'm his treasure.

Am I ok? I'm still very shaken, seven and a half hours later. He... the violence, that was one thing. But even before he arrived, what he e-mailed about ... well about what he knows and sees that no one else does, and how he WILL have me. That shook me more than anything. because he saw right into me and opened up a box of pain buried so far inside me that the pain is usually only a nagging, gnawing presence.

Tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow. After I've slept...

nancy said...

It is always so hard when that hidden piece of one is seen by another.
I have no wise words but to keep drinking water and eat some comfort foods.. take good care of yourself for days.
This was scary... if it was for me, i am sure it was even more so for you.
{{Hugs}}

oatmeal girl said...

(mamacrow, that first word in the reply to you was of course supposed to be "No).

nancy, thanks for the reminder to continue drinking a lot of water. I gather that's important after any um... stimulation of the body. I know you're supposed to drink a lot of water after a massage. And this was nowhere near a massage.

It wasn't so much what he did that was so frightening. Not to say it wasn't frightening - I'm not used to that kid of abuse. I could imagine later what it must be like for a battered woman. This may have been more than I've ever been subjected to, but it is an aspect of the relationship to which I consented, and I am free to leave any time. Imagine being in a non- D/s situation where you are being beaten and made to believe you deserve it. There is a lot to think about.

Paul said...

OG, I trust in your good sense and awareness of yourself, that you are alright.
Cosset yourself, as far as you can, deal with the bruises, eat restoring foods, and take plenty of liquids.
Take care dear friend.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.

oatmeal girl said...

Oh, Paul, I am ever so grateful for my faraway friends who provide their own sort of aftercare!

mamacrow said...

'that statement about how he wants me. What it was meant to reflect was the reality he and I both know that no one else has ever really seen into me, really understood me, and really ready to put up with me in order to enjoy what the sadist knows is there and no one else has detected yet.'

that's pretty much how I interpreted it actually babe!

lots of (((HUGS))) i'm not worried. (as in, HE'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU - that's not what I think at all. I think you're still very on the level and aware and, as far as you can be, in control - of being there at least)

but I am a little concerned for you, just because, well you know... I want it all to be rosey all the time for people I care about!

hope this punishment heals the rift and you can get back to some deep and fullfilling conection xxx