Monday, April 21, 2008

Submissive? Who, me?

While extracting the pieces of Lupercalia from a long series of e-mails, I stumbled on the following conversation, which had inserted itself between the final episodes of the story. At the time, while I was delighted to be playing out my fantasies with a willing partner, they were still very much fantasies. We were just beginning to have me act things out at the philosopher's command, and as yet had not spoken on the phone. Remember, this was just 10 days into our acquaintanceship, and although we both felt that this was deeper than we expected, and I was so horny that I was contemplating throwing caution to the winds and jumping into bed with this stranger who already didn't feel that much like a stranger, we thought of this as a game we were playing.

Well, at least the philosopher did. I'm not sure about me. I was in such a haze of desire and wonderment then that I'm not sure I can recall things clearly except through messages we exchanged.

For a long time we referred to it as the game. We would check with each other weekly to be sure we wanted to go on. And then... certainly the relationship became real. The D/s? I'm not sure. I suspect it is more real for me than for the philosopher. Or maybe I'm more honest about that. I do think that it provides very real structure for my life and my psyche, a structure that is very beneficial. After all, my psychopharmacologist has declared my master to be "a stabilizing influence." And if anyone knows that I need one, it is she. (No, she does not know about the D/s, but she's a very smart woman so perhaps has figured some of it out. As it isn't relative to being treated for SAD and perimenopausal madness it doesn't seem that awful to leave it out of our discussions.)

Now I'm not one of those submissives who really thinks she is "owned" by another human being. And no, I don't really believe I am his slave. But there is something inside that finds great comfort in the idea of being owned, that really does feel owned, and that is grounded by that certainty. He DOES take care of me. Sometimes that is through his efforts at regulating my life. Sometimes it is through exploring our darkest of desires, which perhaps, in the sharing, frees us from any sense of unworthiness for having such thoughts. (We are currently creating some very dark scenes of branding, just the mention of which sends me so far down into subspace that I can barely speak. I can't imagine ever going through with it for real, but we are investigating ways of simulating the experience when we are finally together again.)

I CAN say that I am Pavlov's kitten, catapulted into twitches by the oddest things. I may not be conscious of my submission every minute of the day at work, but it does strike me from time to time. And as soon as I leave the room, it is there again. So yes, despite what I said over a year ago, I AM submissive in life. Just not to everyone.

Not to anyone but you, master.
Not to anyone but you.

[The following conversational volley began shortly after I came, an intense reaction to the tale the philosopher had been feeding me. I've cleaned up some typos, but otherwise this is as it burbled from our fingers. I found it rather amusing to read in light of how things eventually developed.]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Cum from my words. . .my mastery of you is complete.

You are now, quite literally, my slave.

= = = = = = =

i know. (do you hear the slight puzzlement in my voice?) it's beyond any deliberate choice. i couldn't resist you if i wanted to...

from where did you get such power?

= = = = = = =

How did you come to be so submissive? This can't have come from nowhere.

= = = = = = =
it has been there in fantasies. if we want to get freudian, it's probably a way to avoid being responsible for the magnitude of my sexual desires. i've never played it out with anyone. i've dropped hints, but no one has ever picked up on it.

i'm not really submissive in life. well, i'm dual. i was always the good girl, didn't want anyone angry with me, have horrible fears of rejection, the usual... but i remember as ... i'm not sure how old, maybe pre-teen? i'd have fantasies of being chased thru a forest, captured, tied to a tree... and then it went vague, i didn't realize the sexual component, i was pretty naive about sex altogether tho i was a champion masturbator from being a very small child.

i chafe against authority that i don't respect.

i've been wondering a little at how deep into this i am. i think a large part is the feeling of being safe, cared for. the ownership in our game is a gentle and loving one at core, and our interactions are playful, even when there is rough sex described.

and i am moved incredibly by the depth of emotions. i don't know how much of it is our minds being affected by our play, and how much is some mysterious and puzzling connection. but (and here i'm starting to cry again, i'm afraid) no man, including a (blissfully ex-) husband of 20 years has ever spoken, or written to me with such warmth, such passion. the men i've been involved with have been loathe to express emotion, and i have doubts as to how much they even had.

i have no idea how things would be if i tried to incorporate such play into a "real" relationship. i suspect it would be an aspect of the sexual relationship, which would be exciting, there would be pet names and such.

my ex-husband had a chronic illness which he refused to take care of, or wasn't capable of being responsible for. i dealt with a lot of crises. it feels good, here, to be the kitten, who is owned, petted, taken care of. it is good to be your slave, to be desired, to have a full and rich sex life, even if only in fantasy.

i don't know if that answers your question. i guess i don't really know what the answer is. i have a strong imagination, i have always been prone to sink into the atmosphere of the moment (it took me a long time to snap out of it after seeing Pan's Labyrinth). i lose myself in what we create together but don't feel lost. and i don't do anything i don't want to. i suppose i feel a little triumphant in a way at being able to experiment after all the lone fantasies.

do i seem too weird to you? I don't want to.

= = = = = = =

Not weird at all. . .you just have the most powerful imagination I have ever seen. Your ability. . . and desire to get swept away in a story is, apart from being really arousing. . .just fascinating to watch.

There's all sorts of control issues here, self-control, losing control, seeming to lose control. . . but I guess fantasy makes it all safe.

This dominance/submission dynamic is very powerful. . .and enjoyable.


Z said...

I love finding old emails or journal entries that show the tentative beginnings of a relationship, and I enjoyed this as well for the insight it gave into your submission.

Anonymous said...

I can completely see the attraction of letting someone take over, take control, when life just involves too much having to look after the needs of others. Just having someone want to take care of one... even if it can't completely translate to real life, it's powerful.

oatmeal girl said...

z, one of the things i most love about having had an almost completely epistolary love affair, at least in those first months, is that we DO have that record of where we came from and how the journey progressed. and in fits of masturbatory nostalgia, we can relive it again and again.

plus it's great for the lazy blogger...

marianne, especially when youa re used to always taking care of soemone else, it is glorious to have someone take care of you. and make decisions. except when i rebel. that's bad. i rebelled. and i really have to sort it out.