Sunday, December 14, 2008

The Light Within

He said I’ll always be his kitten.

I have no idea what that means.
He may not know himself.
He may never even allow me to see him again.
I don't know.

But he said I'll always be his kitten.

And the moment he said that,
something changed.
Something returned.

When I was his kitten,
when I was his slave,
when I was his selkie,
there was this glow within me
an eternal light above the bima,
the child of a lighthouse beacon
and a hot water bottle.

Perhaps it is what some religious people feel when they say God is always with them. I don't know, and I'm certainly not comparing the philosopher to God. But I carried this peace within me, this certainty, this... glow. I can't come up with a better word. I felt that he was always with me, no matter how many months we went without seeing each other.

I lost that when he sent me away, and even though we started writing again, even phoning again, even though telephonically we spent Election Eve together, my eternal light never returned.

Until now.

He said those words.
He said I'll always be his kitten.
And although I don't know quite what that means
and have no expectations that it means anything at all
the glow
the peace
is back.



Paul said...

OG, I think that I know what you are getting at.
It's that feeling that gives you your sense of identity back, that illuminate dark corners of your spirit.
Warm hugs,

mamacrow said...

yes. i know what you mean. finally discovered it myself recently.
try and hold on to the light, and not on to any expectations, I'd say