Sunday, December 28, 2008

You can't always get what you want

Yes.
I'm on the market.
And FetLife isn't my only marketplace.

I'm writing to men.
I'm writing and I'm crying.
I'm taking halves of tiny little pills to stop the crying.
They work only up to a point.

Maybe if it were Spring I wouldn't be crying as much.

I'm trying to find someone new. It's the smart thing to do. It's a distraction. I might even meet someone really good. Someone who lives nearby. Someone with time and money who can take me to dinner and to the theatre. Someone who will make love to me.

Someone who will get me to stop crying.

Not, I suspect, someone who will spank me, except to the extent that it seems to be making its way into the vanilla sexual repertoire. But I just may have to live with that.

I want someone to spend time with.

I want to fall in love again. With someone who is open to falling in love with me.

Oh, who am I kidding. I'm crying through this entire post. Because in truth, I feel like someone being forced into an arranged marriage, thumbing through the book of possible matches while I grieve over the one who is totally unacceptable.

What do I really want?

"Kitten, I was up at 4 in the morning, reading your blog. Reading your new profile. I can't stand the idea of your being with someone else. I'm no good at this relationship business, I never have been, but I'm prepared to give it one more try if you would let me. Say the word and I'll be on the next Greyhound bus down to DC."

What will I get?

"Kitten, I read your new profile. This is good for you. You need to move on. You need to find someone else. I want you to be happy."

This is reality.
I need to accept reality.

I'm going to go wash my hair now.

8 comments:

Greenwoman said...

Boy do I get how you feel. ON every single point. *sighs...*

I'm sitting here listening to your outsides while listening also to my insides...and also with this other perspective that is such a part of me now that I can't escape its internal dialogue.

There's the part of me that thinks...yeah. A distraction. THat would be good for us both. Let's get laid. Always good for what ails ya.

MMmmhmmm...I need a spanking and a fucking and that will fix a myriad of my tude problems.

And then I think...who am I kidding? When I'm in this mood and try to seek real relationship, I attract someone else in this mood. They always turn out to be a pain in the ass when I come out of my fugue. Naw...stick to finding fuck buddies when I'm in this mood.

A safe fuck buddy will suit and there's no messy later out of that.

And then there's that irritating Old Soul sittin there remarking quite calmly about how Mr. Right will show up when I quit looking for a rescue.

*sighs...* Fuck her anyways...Why can't she keep that Truth shit to herself?

Spoils all the fun she does. Being insane only adds interest to my mystique after all. *rolls eyes*

Truth is what I really want is to get my shit together and stop seeking men who can't be intimate with me emotionally in a real way.

I want one special guy and that special guy will be there for me when I've completed some things that are simply best accomplished alone.

*sighs...*

Been thinkin that you really ought to consider moving to a climate that is healthy for you. Living wherever you are is a huge power leak for half the year. You would likely conquer all sorts of stuff that feels impossible for half the year and leaves you feeling like you are racing to catch up the other half.

Spose there's lots of reasons why that's not an option right now, but maybe you might give it some serious thought and consider options for doing that. Living strong is your birthright after all. ((hugs))

oatmeal girl said...

Greenwoman, I think I love you.

About the climate, it is a LOT better then when I was in Michigan. And I have a good support system overall, except for their not knowing about my submission. But this year we are having a particularly bad long gray spell, which is making it a whole lot harder to take. plus there are the money and flexibility issues. What I really needed to do was get one of those cheap vacations that are being given away around now. I could have headed to some sunny island for a week or two with a pile of books, a lot of sunscreen, and some very large hats.

I do know what you mean about the guys who turn out to be a pain in the ass afterwards... :-) I'm trying to be very picky about anyone I actually meet. Maybe I'll introduce the cast of characters once it settles down to a manageable number.

Mostly, thank you for always presenting things so clearly. you're very good for me.

Elspeth said...

According to elise, I mustn't say things like 'Oh, OG, that just really blows goat that that's what his response was.'

But sometimes, when everything is so sad? It does blow goat. Darn it.

I do so hope the sun begins to shine down on you, as soon as possible. Keep on taking good care of yourself.

{hugs} and more {{{hugs}}}

oatmeal girl said...

Well, Elspeth, you don't actually have to say it because there hasn't been a response yet. Though I do know he has read that last post and this one.

The thing is, while it may break my heart, if he really isn't cut out for a relationship, at least not with me, under our assorted circumstances, what do I gain by his feeling pressured into trying again. I doesn't do anyone any good and would just lead to more pain on both sides. That doesn't keep me from hoping for a miracle - and I wouldn't turn one down. But at least trying to move on is probably the

Snuffle.

But as for blowing goat... my god, girl, where DID you get that phrase?! It's very, um, expressive...

Sun should be back tomorrow. I could get laid tomorrow, too, if I wished. I won't though. Not yet.

Elspeth said...

*ponders* The internet world can be excruciatingly small ... I first heard it from a soul who flies under the rough edges of the wind; cold and tightly wound, she rides her path with a straight-forward tenacity, no-one else's Way will do, and she is raising two young girls to be just like her.

We never liked one another, but Bless, she could turn a phrase. This particular one, she had found elsewhere.

{{today's word verification?? egads: reckiness *laughs*}}

mamacrow said...

you're being very rational about this OG, but I'm with Elspeth - the whole idea just blows goat.

That phrase is really growing on me.

(my word verification is saphol. after your christmas tree story that gave me pause for thought! egads and gadzooks indeed!)

oatmeal girl said...

Elspeth, we are obviously doing our best to get incredibly pungent phrase into a dictionary. And when they start looking for citations, there we will be!

"reckiness" - there is often a curious poetry in those verification words. Even better are the substitutions offered by spell check. My favorite was when it didn't recognize "Kosovo" and offered "chaos" instead. Itw as a very accurate characterization at the time.

I'm not being ALL that rational, mamacrow. But I'm trying... what do you suggest instead?

There is obviously a "p" missing from "saphol" :-) When we all get together for a pyjama party - my we'll have fun!

Anonymous said...

Oatmeal Girl: I'm just saying hello really...letting you know I'm here.

I can't say anything too profound right now. A lot seems to have happened since I was here last, and I need to read it all first.

But, I will say, there isn't much use really in trying to convince yourself that you are other than who you are. I'd embrace your self-knowledge and then be open to exploring that with someone else, but without having too high expectations for a while. If you follow your instincts, you can weed out the guys who aren't right for you.

Talk again soon
Vesta