The sun was out today.
And lo, I could think.
It's horribly embarrassing. Really, how stupid does this sound. "I'm sorry, kitten can't come to work today, the sun hasn't been out for a month (well, that's what it felt like!) and her brain doesn't function any more." And then the sun comes out and whoosh! Here I am again.
I'm quite relieved, actually. I must admit that I was starting to get some very unhealthy thoughts in my head. The kind of thoughts where one is grateful that SAD causes a sort of paralyzing impotency so that the chance of summoning enough energy to do something self-destructive is highly unlikely. Still, it wasn't a good time to be alone.
But I'm better now. And there will be more sun tomorrow. Of course, after that it will be doom and gloom for a week except for Christmas Day. But my friends come back to town on Saturday night, and I have a Chanukah party to go to Sunday afternoon. I'll probably be pretty subdued by then, but my friends make me feel looked after and I like the guy throwing the party. No, not THAT way, he's gay of course.
I have to come to terms with being alone. [cue tears, damn it.] I keep thinking: this is it, no more chances, and then something happens to give me what always turn out to be false hopes, and then I try to stop expecting something else, except then the ghost of a new hope shows its nose and the cycle starts again.
I need to stop trying.
I need to stop hoping.
I can be alone. I spent most of my marriage alone, even when to an outsider it seemed there was someone else in the house. And eventually there was.
And then he died and I got 2 more. What do you mean, you can't buy love? A hundred bucks a piece to the rescue group and as soon as I let them out of their carriers their love was mine for life.
Maybe on December 31st I should slip out of the party early so I can toast the end of this wretched year with my two adoring felines. A wretched year - except for the campaign and the outcome. There is some hope for a better future...
Marko could tell I was down and just plopped down beside me and started petting me. Sweet boy.
I guess 2 days of sun isn't quite enough to cleanse my brain of negative thoughts...
Do you need anybody?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need somebody to love.
Later (midnight) - I keep thinking about this, separating it out from the SAD, from the philosopher, from the fiend.
The truth is, I'm lonely. I have lovely friends, living very very nearby. But they have spouses and very busy lives of their own. I love spending time with them, but it's not like being at music camp where we're living all together in communal splendor in one room. Even then there is a part of myself that I keep apart.
I'm lonely. I'm tired of sharing other people's lives. I want a life of my own. I want a love of my own, a best friend of my own, someone to sit with, reading, writing, cat cuddling, in comfortable silence, or speaking and sharing with no uncomfortable silences.
Maybe that's what makes it so hard. having had that small taste of something I'd never known and never thought I'd have. I should be grateful for that sample, even if in the end it was a fantasy. Some people never even get that much.
I'm certainly grateful for my new friends in Blogland, for people to whom I can reveal the side of me my regular friends will never know.
The sun will be out again tomorrow.
It's time to go to sleep.
Come on Marko, curl up close against me.
We'll keep each other warm.