Monday, December 22, 2008

Still shining

The sun was out today.
And lo, I could think.

It's horribly embarrassing. Really, how stupid does this sound. "I'm sorry, kitten can't come to work today, the sun hasn't been out for a month (well, that's what it felt like!) and her brain doesn't function any more." And then the sun comes out and whoosh! Here I am again.

I'm quite relieved, actually. I must admit that I was starting to get some very unhealthy thoughts in my head. The kind of thoughts where one is grateful that SAD causes a sort of paralyzing impotency so that the chance of summoning enough energy to do something self-destructive is highly unlikely. Still, it wasn't a good time to be alone.

But I'm better now. And there will be more sun tomorrow. Of course, after that it will be doom and gloom for a week except for Christmas Day. But my friends come back to town on Saturday night, and I have a Chanukah party to go to Sunday afternoon. I'll probably be pretty subdued by then, but my friends make me feel looked after and I like the guy throwing the party. No, not THAT way, he's gay of course.

I have to come to terms with being alone. [cue tears, damn it.] I keep thinking: this is it, no more chances, and then something happens to give me what always turn out to be false hopes, and then I try to stop expecting something else, except then the ghost of a new hope shows its nose and the cycle starts again.

I need to stop trying.

I need to stop hoping.

I can be alone. I spent most of my marriage alone, even when to an outsider it seemed there was someone else in the house. And eventually there was.

My cat.

And then he died and I got 2 more. What do you mean, you can't buy love? A hundred bucks a piece to the rescue group and as soon as I let them out of their carriers their love was mine for life.

Maybe on December 31st I should slip out of the party early so I can toast the end of this wretched year with my two adoring felines. A wretched year - except for the campaign and the outcome. There is some hope for a better future...

Marko could tell I was down and just plopped down beside me and started petting me. Sweet boy.

I guess 2 days of sun isn't quite enough to cleanse my brain of negative thoughts...
Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Later (midnight) - I keep thinking about this, separating it out from the SAD, from the philosopher, from the fiend.

The truth is, I'm lonely. I have lovely friends, living very very nearby. But they have spouses and very busy lives of their own. I love spending time with them, but it's not like being at music camp where we're living all together in communal splendor in one room. Even then there is a part of myself that I keep apart.

I'm lonely. I'm tired of sharing other people's lives. I want a life of my own. I want a love of my own, a best friend of my own, someone to sit with, reading, writing, cat cuddling, in comfortable silence, or speaking and sharing with no uncomfortable silences.

Maybe that's what makes it so hard. having had that small taste of something I'd never known and never thought I'd have. I should be grateful for that sample, even if in the end it was a fantasy. Some people never even get that much.

I'm certainly grateful for my new friends in Blogland, for people to whom I can reveal the side of me my regular friends will never know.

The sun will be out again tomorrow.
It's time to go to sleep.
Come on Marko, curl up close against me.
We'll keep each other warm.


Louise said...

Never stop hoping, dear one, we couldn't live without hope. Try to concentrate on your work, your real work, your writing, not as a distraction, not as a way to mend a broken heart, but because it is what you have to do. Because you are a poet.

Greenwoman said...

I was thinking that its likely you are right that the worst of this feeling sad is the 'sorry for yourself' stuff that comes with SAD. Its hard not to feel that way when you aren't getting something so essential and basic to also get all down about anything else you don't have that's essential. Even if you actually have it. LOL!

Anyway, I was muttering to myself about something likely better said and heard about two months from now, but seeds can be planted in the manure and they'll have plenty of food then yes? *winks*

I was just thinking to myself how much I've thought this to myself. Will I always be alone in the deep places of me? Is it even possible to have someone who can touch all of me? Is it even a reasonable desire? Does it even matter if its reasonable?


The truth is, love is something that should be without stint or condition.

The truth is, if I'm not saying can't/won't/never...then whatever it is that's abundant in the universe; and that's pretty much everything; can get to me.

Can't/won't/never leaves me behind walls. Abundance is not something that arrives with big construction machinery so it can toss something I need over the wall.

Only Gratitude, willingness and an open heart gives it an unimpeded entrance to my life from any direction and what's more, this prepares the ground for every good thing to grow in my life.

Its just true.

And after reading here for awhile, I think you know all this just as well as I do...but just like me...when in the middle of the shit you can't remember shit, never mind what's True.

All one can do at a time like this is try not to let that crap take root with too much time and energy letting it twirl in your head. All you can do is keep on keeping on and trying to find your grateful button and poke it hard as frequently as you can find it.

Its all down hill from here. Hang in there. ((hugs))

thedirtyblonde said...

I know the delicate nature of the mind that wants, aspires and desires and the tricks it can play. Some of us aren't designed to live in the now and appreciate what we have on our plates and I know how much it hurts sometimes.

Sending you lots of hugs and empathy and hope that the sun's rays warm you on the inside.

mamacrow said...

'Still, it wasn't a good time to be alone.'

oh BABE! remember what you commented on Gray Lilly's blog about the advert?

you're not alone (((HUGS)))

oatmeal girl said...

Oh, Louise, that was the most wonderful thing you could have said. I will try to hold on to that - not just the hope, but the thinking of myself as a poet. It's MINE. It is what I actually am. I am reunited with my Self after all these decades, and in fact it makes me feel very powerful.

I think that was perhaps one of the curiosities of my few months with the fiend - as he made me ever more submissive, he also made me stronger as he developed me as a poet.

Greenwoman. What is there to say to you. I would have to write a whole post to respond to every line you say. And every line gives me so much. So first of all, thanks for essentially telling me to cut the crap. someone obviously had to.

I want to mark huge sections of your comment with a bright sunshine yellow highlighter.

And then you spoke of finding my grateful button, and I suddenly thought of those ads from Staples and how for way too long they've been talking about the Easy button. But there IS NO Easy button. However, there IS, I think, a Grateful button, there IS the possibility of opening ourselves to beautiful serendipity, if I can manage to avoid destroying myself before the next great coincidence.

Thank you.

And thank you, too, to dirty blonde. You're a blogger, so of course you do know what it's like to have people come and say such supportive things. but still... it really does mean so much, and it really does help.

mamcrow - I DO feel that way! (For those who didn't see the comment, I said that Grey Lily should look at her readers like the network in the Verizon ads, all standing there by her as she goes through her own hard time.) I do feel that way and it's quite amazing. And right now, I don't feel so alone.

Again, thank you all.