Monday, December 8, 2008


There are many forms of evil in my life.

There is my demon muse, of course,
And the pinching imps of memory.

But for pure evil, no redeeming social or erotic value, I need look no further than the inside of my head. The grey inside my head.

SAD is winning.

I'm going down. And it's not an enticing descent such as topples me in subspace. This is grey going into black. This is an inability to think. This is tears hovering on the edge. This is self-esteem being vomited up on the lawn outside the front door.

This is feeling utterly worthless and unwanted and seeing no evident reason to get out of bed.

Luckily, I haven't maxed out my antidepressants yet, so there is hope once the extra dosage kicks in. Till then, I just want to dissolve and be gone.

And I want something I know I can't have.


Greenwoman said...

SAD is hard to live with. I get a touch of it myself in winter. Usually outdoor exercise is enough to combat it, but my husband and son are quite effected by it despite medication also.

They find it helps to remind themselves that its a light thing and it will pass in a little more time...

Hang in there. Its just a few more weeks and the light will begin to wax again. It will get gradually easier...((hugs))

Innocent Loverboy said...

Antidepressants aren't really the best thing to take for SAD. I'm not convinced they work at all, in fact. You may as well take placebos and pretend they work, and they will.

Maybe try hot chocolate? I know it sounds odd, but it always works for / relaxes me, and I'm not the happiest of people at the best of times.

Vanessa said...

What are your thoughts on joining a gym? It would help out a lot I think.

Sorry to hear you are feeling so blue...

Paul said...

OG, sorry that the season is getting you down.
I don't suppose that you can take your cats for a walk, they're not that sort of cat.
I find that taking the dogs for a brisk walk and returning to hot coffee and very dark chocolate helps a lot.
Warm hugs,

oatmeal girl said...

Thank you all for being so supportive. I'm rather an expert in SAD by now, 20+ years after hearing that what i had already identified had a name and was considered an actual condition.

Medication does help, Loverboy. (Oh God, I've always wanted to call someone that, but it's never seemed quite appropriate. I'll have to come up with more excuses to address you, Loverboy. OOH, that feels good! When I was first formally diagnosed they would let me sue the light box because I was recovering from melanoma, but eventually the SAD became more of a clear and present danger. The trick with meds is finding the right one, or the right combination. Hot chocolate offers some comfort, but we're not talking feeling just a bit pokey in the winter. We're talking not committing suicide only because i didn't have enough energy or focus to plan it out or pull it off.

Greenwoman, how about we all head down to Tucson for a week? A SAD retreat for sex bloggers and their loved ones - or whatever beings seem appropriate to bring along...

Vanessa, thanks for reminding me about exercise. I do belong to a lovely little health club, in an old house, very near work and home, no spandex allowed! I went a few times last week and then started feeling too awful. I really should get back.

Paul, I often wish I DID walk the cats. people with dogs seem to have a great time with them. But you all know about my cats. Ketzel is a little Domme; no way that girl is getting on the end of a leash. Marko, however... he's such a wuss, easy to push around despite his heft. on the other hand, it's awful hard to haul him away from his pseudo-fireplace.

I was, however, treated to a lovely remedy last night... the philosopher phoned as soon as he read my post. And then M, my female best friend, called a little later to check up on me, being telepathic.

It feels good to be loved.
It feels good to be taken care of.