I lit one more candle tonight.
Theoretically, the light is increasing.
Theoretically. Because of course I'm still struggling, I'm still morose, I'm still weepy, I'm still feeling sorry for myself.
As my mother used to say, after sniffing my little feet and pretending they smelled bad:
Enough already, before I drive you all away!
Well, I'm trying. I really am. And you all are helping, whether you comment or not, but especially when you comment. I need to feel taken care of, and you guys are doing that for me.
I need to feel taken care, and after a while I need to be told to cut the crap, and I need to be made to think, and I need to be reminded to open myself to the delights of the universe because who knows what is waiting for me behind the next star... and that walking around with too big a cloud over my head might scare away happiness.
One advantage of having you all as a support system is that you can read, you can comment, and then you can go about your business. You don't have to see my mopey face all day, you don't have to worry that some innocent phrase will send a tear to loiter in the corner of my reddened eye.
On the other hand, you can't spank me, which would be very effective right around now.
You've all been great. Truly. But I want to make special mention of Greenwoman, who has said some stunning things. She made a great comment about rituals a while back that I would love to put into a post all its own. Do go check out her blog (one of a few), especially as she, too, is going through a lot these days and could use support of her own.
So she left this long comment on yesterday's post, bits of which I'd like to leave here since I suspect most of you don't get into the comments. And because these are things I want to remind myself to think about.
So here it is. With thanks.
I was thinking that it's likely you are right that the worst of this feeling sad is the 'sorry for yourself' stuff that comes with SAD. [ . . . ]I'm feeling very grateful right now. For all of you. Whether you're saying anything or not.
I was just thinking to myself how much I've thought this to myself. Will I always be alone in the deep places of me? Is it even possible to have someone who can touch all of me? Is it even a reasonable desire? Does it even matter if its reasonable?
The truth is, love is something that should be without stint or condition.
The truth is, if I'm not saying can't/won't/never...then whatever it is that's abundant in the universe; and that's pretty much everything; can get to me.
Can't/won't/never leaves me behind walls. Abundance is not something that arrives with big construction machinery so it can toss something I need over the wall.
Only Gratitude, willingness and an open heart gives it an unimpeded entrance to my life from any direction and what's more, this prepares the ground for every good thing to grow in my life.
Its just true.
And after reading here for awhile, I think you know all this just as well as I do...but just like me...when in the middle of the shit you can't remember shit, never mind what's True.
All one can do at a time like this is try not to let that crap take root with too much time and energy letting it twirl in your head. All you can do is keep on keeping on and trying to find your grateful button and poke it hard as frequently as you can find it.