Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A short note of thanks

It's the third night of Chanukah.

I lit one more candle tonight.

Theoretically, the light is increasing.

Theoretically. Because of course I'm still struggling, I'm still morose, I'm still weepy, I'm still feeling sorry for myself.

As my mother used to say, after sniffing my little feet and pretending they smelled bad:

Feh!

Enough already, before I drive you all away!

Well, I'm trying. I really am. And you all are helping, whether you comment or not, but especially when you comment. I need to feel taken care of, and you guys are doing that for me.

I need to feel taken care, and after a while I need to be told to cut the crap, and I need to be made to think, and I need to be reminded to open myself to the delights of the universe because who knows what is waiting for me behind the next star... and that walking around with too big a cloud over my head might scare away happiness.

One advantage of having you all as a support system is that you can read, you can comment, and then you can go about your business. You don't have to see my mopey face all day, you don't have to worry that some innocent phrase will send a tear to loiter in the corner of my reddened eye.

On the other hand, you can't spank me, which would be very effective right around now.

Ah well.

You've all been great. Truly. But I want to make special mention of Greenwoman, who has said some stunning things. She made a great comment about rituals a while back that I would love to put into a post all its own. Do go check out her blog (one of a few), especially as she, too, is going through a lot these days and could use support of her own.

So she left this long comment on yesterday's post, bits of which I'd like to leave here since I suspect most of you don't get into the comments. And because these are things I want to remind myself to think about.

So here it is. With thanks.
I was thinking that it's likely you are right that the worst of this feeling sad is the 'sorry for yourself' stuff that comes with SAD. [ . . . ]

I was just thinking to myself how much I've thought this to myself. Will I always be alone in the deep places of me? Is it even possible to have someone who can touch all of me? Is it even a reasonable desire? Does it even matter if its reasonable?

Yadayadayadayada...

The truth is, love is something that should be without stint or condition.

The truth is, if I'm not saying can't/won't/never...then whatever it is that's abundant in the universe; and that's pretty much everything; can get to me.

Can't/won't/never leaves me behind walls. Abundance is not something that arrives with big construction machinery so it can toss something I need over the wall.

Only Gratitude, willingness and an open heart gives it an unimpeded entrance to my life from any direction and what's more, this prepares the ground for every good thing to grow in my life.

Its just true.

And after reading here for awhile, I think you know all this just as well as I do...but just like me...when in the middle of the shit you can't remember shit, never mind what's True.

All one can do at a time like this is try not to let that crap take root with too much time and energy letting it twirl in your head. All you can do is keep on keeping on and trying to find your grateful button and poke it hard as frequently as you can find it.
I'm feeling very grateful right now. For all of you. Whether you're saying anything or not.

7 comments:

janeway said...

Here's something from John Milton, whom I normally loathe:
“Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world.”

Greenwoman said...

Janeway, that's a beautiful quote. Thank you.

And OG...yanno what's an irony?

Tonight I have had the shittiest night I've had in a long while. I feel utterly down and this post is a right back atcha situation....*shakes head and smiles..*

Thank you too. ((hugs))

oatmeal girl said...

janeway: Reverence. Yes. Especially as a submissive, I know that feeling, that sense of worship because of how much he is giving you. (Special thanks for going public with your comment, especially as it was through our comments on the English Gentleman's blog that we first met.)

Greenwoman - I am SO glad I could return the favor. And don't be surprised by the bad night. I remember lots of ups and downs after each marriage broke up - and not just because I'm prone to ups and downs!

How about we ALL take a healing trip to Hawaii?!

Louise said...

Please give me a call when you make a booking!

Paul said...

OG, I love that Miton quote, gratitude is always a good starting place, it prepars the ground for all the other good things.
We owe you thanks also, at least for me your words being beauty to life.
Life is give and take, we give you support you give us beauty a more than fair exchange.
May Chanukah be good for and to you.
Warm hugs,
Paul.

mamacrow said...

my fave is - in the bible it always says 'and it came to pass'

never that it came to stay!

all things pass xx

a very merry and peaceful and joyful season to you

Elspeth said...

I struggle so much with loneliness, with wanting a man who truly wants me as his wife -- not his girlfriend, lover, second to his wife, mother of his child etc etc. Not, in other words, merely as someone he comes to only as he wishes. A wife, dammit! *laughs*

But laughter aside, there is a particular sort of sadness, a deep and abiding grief, in knowing that we're just not loved that way.

Sucks.

I'm wishing you Light, OG. Light and Love and Warmth. One day, one day it won't be quite so hard as it is today.

~ El