Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I really am not a masochist

A tsunami has landed on the shores of my site meter. Yesterday. All of a sudden there came a huge spike in my stats, starting sometime Monday afternoon. Hundreds of new visitors were (and are) turning up on my doorstep, sent to me by a site called Tantilism.org: "an exploration of the delicious tension arising from thwarted sexual release." Somehow I was discovered by a woman calling herself littlemoon, and she gave me and submission & metaphor the most delicious review:
This is a very hot blog. I've pulled the orgasm denial topic for you. The woman is a masochist and a poet of considerable talent. She's given all her orgasms to her sadistic owner. Her submissive journey is far beyond my own, but I'm sure many of you will be impressed and envious.
There are so many things crammed into those few sentences. Not just the compliments, though of course those are highly appreciated. "... a poet of considerable talent." That phrase I would like to frame in gold and hang on the wall above my desk. If only it had appeared on the New York Times website! We're back to the old issue of things I can't show my mother...

But 2 other things also jumped out at me. The first (actually, the last) was "Her submissive journey is far beyond my own [...]" I had to smile, thinking back over the last three years, and of how far I have come myself. I never would have imagined, for example, that I would be so content at having given away my orgasms. Or that I would accept the kind of pain that I do.

Which brings me to the final point, which is the first point. "The woman is a masochist."

This woman is not a masochist.
My Master is most definitely a sadist,
but I am not at all masochist.
I do not like the pain,
I do not need the pain.
But I do beg him to hurt me.
Because I want to please him.
Because I want to satisfy him.
Because I love him.
Because he owns me.

I thought I would have to write a whole long justification of my opinion on the matter. Happily for all concerned, the sadist has allowed me to share with you his own comment, with this warning:
You may use my comments, but you may also mention that since my longstanding rule against using my words or getting too specific about our interactions has been loosened lately, there will not likely be much more forthcoming.
And with that, here is what he said:
I agree with all she has to say, except, of course, the masochist part. As you know, I don't read your blog, for various reasons, but I suspect you may have disavowed any maso-ness, probably repeatedly. But maybe not. You have certainly discussed that particular dichotomy with me, many times. I would think they (especially the orgasm-denial group) would find your willingness to suffer physical torment, despite being the sensitive opposite of a masochist, to be even hotter (I know I do), to evoke even more empathy and even admiration, from submissives and dominants alike. It's one thing for a pain lover/needer to scream "Beat me! Hurt me!" but quite another for a sensitive person with an aversion to pain to ask for that which her tormentor desires. No! No! Don't! Stop! as opposed to No, no! Don't stop!
His words moved me... I do know he gets a special pleasure out of my willing suffering. It takes very little to make me scream and cry and collapse. But I always get up, after every strike of the cane (which so far is the most painful implement of all)... I somehow get up and offer my ass for another blow. And when he flogged my tits with the beautiful new flogger... ah, but I do owe you a whole post on that, don't I...

My pleas to be hurt are honest.
But they are never for the pain on its own account.
I beg to be hurt in order to give him pleasure.
There is nothing else.

P.S. - speaking of orgasm denial, please go visit toy to commiserate about the quite serious punishment to which she has been condemned. I'm wondering if going without orgasms is more painful when it has been imposed as a punishment rather than being merely (merely?) a condition of one's submission that one must accept.


Paul said...

OG, but the rest of the review is certainly true and well deserved.
I read Toy's posts, but I rarely comment, because what she accepts from DL is totally mind-blowing, for me that is.
Neither does she have your faculty with words.
It's a shame that He doesn't read your blog, I believe that He is missing out.
Love and warm hugs,

oatmeal girl said...

Ah, Paul, don't feel sorry for my Master. Remember, my main writing responsibilities are for him. He gets all sorts of delicious pieces that none of you ever get to see.

As for toy, when I first discovered the community of submissive bloggers, she frightened me, and I had to stop reading for a while. But things I have changed. *I* have changed. My limits keep moving. Dissolving. And while my Master protects me from the extremities of treatment that toy is subjected to, both she and I make our choices and get what we need. AS do those who own us.

Marsha The Roast said...

I was going to comment on your blog entry but am stuck dead in my tracks by your response to Paul. Ain't it the truth? Limits are endlessly changing and moving. Kudos on your review, your blog is wonderful! xoxox

nancy said...

Reading your post I think .. well of course she's a masochist.. and then you go on to talk about that very thought.

As Marsha said, things change, limits move.. we move and grow.

What would have never worked one day, suddenly works the next.

It doesn't matter what one calls oneself.. they are only words!

oatmeal girl said...

Thanks, Marsha. And I should hope that we keep growing and changing, in whatever direction, or everything we are doing ends up as empty exercises. perhaps that is one thing about S&M. It challenges both parties, it rips you open, forces you to see things about yourself, to examine what it is you have inside, and what you are prepared to give.

nancy - I am the first person to object to being stuck with a label and locked in a box. On the other hand, your comment about it not mattering what we call ourselves makes me think of the time I asked my doctor what it mattered whether I was diagnosed a bipolar or depressed or what. She said the diagnosis matters because it tells the doctor how to treat your condition. If "masochist" does actually have a meaning, and you accept or reject that label for your approach to pain, then you know what kinds of situations you will enjoy (and even whether that vowel can apply to you at all) and a sadist (or any dom) can have an idea as to how you might suit his/her needs.

As a submissive, my need, my desire, is to submit. To give. To please. What I have needed to be taught is how to serve him with my pain. How to accept it. What positions to assume. How to share with him my suffering.

A masochist's focus is on the pain, on needing the pain. But whereas I need to offer whatever I can, and am learning to offer my pain, the masochist yearns for the pain but needs to learn to switch the focus from her/his need. She (for simplicity's sake) must learn to offer her suffering, to suffer for her master's sake and not to satisfy her own craving. Which can mean having her limits pushed to feed the sadist's hunger.

The sadist needs to know what he's dealing with or he can go too far with one or never get what he needs from the other.

I am most definitely not a masochist. And when my Master's hungers are raging, it can be dangerous for him to come to me. On the other hand, he doesn't need to hurt me that much to know that, in submission and love, I am serving him with everything I have.