Saturday, March 1, 2008

Keeping your cunt's cunt healthy

A reader contacted me the other day with questions about my persistent pernicious perimenopause. To pass on some words of wisdom that helped me when the damn thing first kidnapped my life over 10 years ago, I referred to the first book I had gotten on the matter: the pause: Positive Approaches to Menopause by Lonnie Barbach.

The section I was looking for (take note, all ye terminally horny women) cites a Danish study in which 9 per cent of the women said their sexual desire went UP during what Barbach calls The Pause. However, while thumbing through, I fortuitously stumbled on this bit of crucial advice:

"If you do not have a partner or are not sexually active with your partner [e.g. your owner lives 250 miles away], it is in the best interest of your vagina, and possibly your psyche, to continue masturbating [...] Masturbation helps maintain the lubrication process, and masturbating with something inside the vagina like a dildo or cucumber keeps the vaginal walls stretched."

(Hmm... why does blogger's spell check not recognize the word "dildo"? And why is "cucumber" not in the book's index?)

In the section just before the one quoted above, Barbach gives details of the nasty things that happen to a cunt with insufficient estrogen: it "becomes less elastic and shrinks [...] The vaginal lining will change to an almost paper-thin consistency. The result is that unless the vagina is kept stretched, intercourse will be painful if you should stop having intercourse for an extended period and then try to start again." She then recommends using a dildo or such to stretch it. Carrots, zucchini, and cucumbers are suggested as substitutes, either with a condom or after washing to removed insecticides. (Ew... insecticides! what's the emoticon for a wrinkled nose?)

Now I know there are some of you exceptionally sadistic doms who are perfectly delighted at the thought of another way to inflict pain on your sex slave. But truly, when you do fuck her cunt (as opposed to those other inviting orifices) wouldn't you rather she gave your cock a properly lubricious welcome?

I happen to have a lovely vibrator presented to me as a gift by my sometimes very kind owner. But considering how often he lets me use it (hardly ever) it seems to have been rather a waste of money, living as it does in almost complete and lonely retirement in the bottom drawer of my bedside table along with our other neglected toys. Perhaps the philosopher would relax his current ban on touching and cumming if I got my gynecologist to write a prescription for masturbating with the vibrator at least three times a week...

So take this as a word of caution, doms. Take care of your property and let your sex slave do what she must to keep her (your) equipment in working order. In the end, you'll be glad you did.

= = = = =

NOTE: Readers who arrived hoping for a properly arousing story that both describes and inspires masturbation might enjoy "The Performance".


David said...

That is the most eloquently constructed, and intellectually documented, and deceptively hidden Beg I have ever read.

Very nice girl.


oatmeal girl said...

who said i was trying to be deceptive? ;-)

Anonymous said...

Ohhhh I needed to laugh today!!!! Chuckles.

Written perfectly and with humour, but of course with great seriousness! I completely agree with EVERYTHING you wrote!


Thank you for your recent, welcome and most thoughtful comment on my patch hon, it really boosted me up for a period of time.


Anonymous said...

Informative, and clever!

As for the garden produce... definitely the time to insist on organic, I'd think.

oatmeal girl said...

i got some of those english cucumbers today that come wrapped in plastic so they don't have to coat them in way. i wonder if i could use one as is - plastic and all?

no, wait, i just checked, they have a nasty seam and scratchy bits at the ends where the plastic was sealed. i'm not THAT kind of masochist.

one of them looks awfully handsome though... long and sleek and curved... i wonder what kind of music he likes?

David said...

Oh judy, the kind of music is obvious, but maybe you need to be an out west cowboy, not an east coast city girl.

What else but, Cuntry.


oatmeal girl said...

Oh, David. You should be ashamed of yourself...