Magic Bus

Day by day, we danced towards reality with caution and delight.

The philosopher is always very cautious; note how he waited until but 3 days before leaving to buy his bus ticket. He calls himself risk averse... and I always laugh and say he has forfeited that title for sure. He had almost never left the area in his entire life, and now he was hopping a bus to sacrifice his soul with a woman he only knew through the magic of the phone and the internet. Oh wait... he did have that card I sent him with a lock of my pubic hair...

I read over these e-mail exchanges, and I'm flooded with joy. There is such a certainty about us, such a calm under any nervousness. And I have that certainty now, as well as the calm. Perhaps it's the lithium kicking in. Perhaps it is that tomorrow is August and there is only one more month of self-denial to go.

I want to be able to rise on the morning of September 1st and greet the morning with calm and pride. I want to be able to say that in the end, finally, I served my master in true submission to his needs, with true acceptance of my task.

I read over these e-mail exchanges, and I smile and tremble and flood at his words, and I think Yes. I love you. You are sweet and good and funny and with all your weaknesses (for even gods have weaknesses) you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I swear on my cats and the cane and my cunt that I will do what I must to make this work.

You named me kitten and you took me as yours.

Are you master enough to submit to that?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Tuesday 31 July 2007

I have purchased my ticket, kitten.

I am coming.
- -
i knew you were coming.

and yet...

i'm breathless.
and feeling very submissive,
almost paralyzed.

thank you.
thank you very very much.

kitten
- -
so how did you feel when you'd bought the ticket? considering you never go anywhere...

i have so much to do, and everything keeps taking longer than i think it will, and then there are always interruptions...

my appointment with Dr. G. went swimmingly. as i walked across the street from the parking lot, i was thinking how calm and centered i felt ... and then i entered the office and thought how i'd be telling her that you're coming in 3 days... and the BIGGEST GRIN broke out on my face that i totally could NOT repress!

She thought this was pretty funny. and loved it. and was very pleased at "our" attempt at imposing discipline on me, on controlling my bedtimes especially. she's really hung up on my sleeping habits. she wants to be sure i sleep when you're here. i reminded her that i don't usually sleep well the first night (especially) that i spend with someone, even if it's someone i have been with before. but then she wants me to let her know if i'm not sleeping after you leave. luckily, i doubt that will be a problem. i'm more worried about let-down ;-(

meanwhile, i found that check-list from SM101 on line as a pdf. i'm changing it to a Word version, and will e-mail you both the blank and (when i'm done) my filled-out form. it seems smart to look at it beforehand.
- -
It felt odd when I bought the ticket. . . decisive. The whole thing is real now, in a way it wasn't before.

And it will get realler ;-)

I will make sure you sleep on a very strict schedule this weekend. . . it will be one of the many things I will be strict about.

Yes. . . we should fill out the check list before hand, to save time and head off an problems. . . good thinking. . such a clever slave!

(Which reminds me. . . my bus leaves at 10:00am and it's just over a 4 hour trip. . . I'll be there by 2:30 3:00pm. . . Is that good?)
- -
is that good??!!??

;-) ;-) ;-)

there's even less of a chance the house will be in order, but that's life. i refuse to get all tense about it.

i can't believe you're getting up that early!!! now THAT'S scary.

forecast is sunny and hot. but it's always nice and cold in the basement.

i should look up the numbers for cabs in case you want to call one ahead. i've seen some there when buses come in but don't know if they're just hanging out on spec or were called.

ok, now i'm starting to become a little crazed.
- -
Your house better be completely in order, kitten. . .or else!

And who knows, maybe I'll come even earlier, to try to catch you with a messy house. . .and then. . . !

I don't think I'll have trouble getting a cab. . .it's a bus station, I'm sure they troll about looking for business. . .

Crazed. . .?

How so, kitten. . .

;-)
- -
it's a small bus station, which will eventually get moved to right by the Metro station. but yeah, the taxis probably hang out.

the house will be what it is. you'll live with it.

crazed? did i say i was getting crazed? ;-) you're just imagining a wild little thing running around in circles, chasing her fluffy tail...

(oh take a look at this:

http://this.is/parsberg/dominatrix/negotiationlongform/domform.html

it's the url for the negotiation form. click on "A submissive" ;-)
- -
(It's a kitten! Just like my kitten!)

I'll live with it, will I? If it's not squeaky clean, You had better hope that it's so messy I can't find the cane!

I must have misunderstood. . . of course you're not crazed. . . there's no reason to be. . .

The fact that i am coming soon to lay claim to you. . .to force you to your knees, and put my collar around your neck. . . and to take full and complete possession of you. . . touching, licking, sucking. . . caning. . .

Why would any of that make you crazed?
- -
(i thought you'd like it! ;-)

the cane is under the bed. with the dust bunnies.

there may be papers all over the place but i will definitely vacuum. i'll be crawling all over the floor and with my allergies i'd BETTER vacuum!

i'm trying not to think about that other paragrapph. it just incites feelings that i know you won't let me relieve...

sadistic bastard.
- -
But I thought you weren't crazed, kitten. . . ;-)

What are you wearing?
- -
the short khaki shorts.
black music camp t-shirt.
blue panties.
pseudo-flesh-coloured bra.
the knee high stockings.
the chain.

and i'm starting to whimper, master...
- -
Strip.
- -
yes, sir.
- -
I shall have to decide. . .what shall I do first. . .

When you stand naked before me for the first time. . .how do i first touch you. . . ?

Your nipples, your lips, your cunt. . . my tongue, my hands, my cock. . . ?

Where? How?

Roughly, gently, coldly?

I will drive myself crazy over the next two days deciding how i will make first contact with your body. . .
- -
i think i will be very embarrassed standing before you for the first time. naked. odd, considering how brazen i can be about taking off my clothes...

i will be embarrassed by your gaze, but longing for your touch. whatever it is.

this is really going to happen, isn't it?
after all this time. we're really meeting... can't say we're being rash...
- -
It's really going to happen. . . and I will enjoy your blushing embarrassment. . .

No. . .we're being perverted, and insane, and bizarrely transgressive. . . but not rash.

Never rash. . .
- -
no, never rash.

you will bind me with your ropes, stare down at my helplessness, and plunge your cock into me... and i will say YES! IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!

;-)

and later, as we cuddle together, and caress each other's cheeks with the wonderment of being together, i will sigh and think yes... about time... but worth waiting for. definitely worth waiting for. because now we know it's right.
- -
Worth the wait. . . definitely. . . and only a bit more than two days to go. . .

And now it's time for bed, kitten. . . what would your doctor say if I didn't get you into bed at a reasonable hour?
- -
;-( ;-(

i don't wanna go to sleep!!

(what time should i get you up, master? so that you will really get up...)
- -
No complaints, kitten. . .straight to bed! (My god. . . I am going to love sending you to bed in person!)

Call me at 8:00am tomorrow. . . that will work I think. . . and it's not too early for you. . .
- -
yes, sir. thank you, m'Lord.

i'm melting, sir. everything in me is melting at the thought of your being here so soon...

until tomorrow.

good night, master.
good night, John.
--
Good night, kitten.

The perfect age...

We continued to play and replay our fantasies as the day of his arrival drew closer. Remember that neither of us had any in-the-flesh experience with BDSM. It was all in our over-active imaginations.

I loved reading this over as I transferred it to the blog from the e-mail account I use only with him. The dichotomy that is the philosopher shines so clearly. He is sweet and funny and intelligent and clever, a truly kind and caring person. He loves cats and babies, cooks and cleans up, and worries intensely when I’m ill or hurt. And he is a sadist. When it came down to it, he discovered that he was really a sadist. He stood over me, and brought that belt down on my ass and knew that this was not just an erotic fantasy.

And the more he releases his sadistic self, the happier I am. I love him, and I love that he can accept and revel in both the sweetness and the darkness of the soul.

I am feeling very loving tonight. I’m not feeling distressed. Wet and twitchy, but not distressed. Maybe the lithium kicked in finally? Who knows… I’m remembering the anticipation, the excitement, the frissons of fear, and the surety that this was meant to be. And then… the validation. This WAS meant to be.

I love you. I can do this.

(Any bets on how long it takes for my mood to completely reverse?)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Monday evening 30 July 2007

From a book i ran across today called "The Ropes" which wasn't about what we might have wanted it to be ;-) tho it was about older women dealing with being single.

this quote was posted on the back:

"Instead of kissing a lot of frogs, mature women prefer "tadpoles" (younger men) ... How young should your tadpole be? The seven year role is a good yardstick: Pick a man who is half your age plus seven."

Lets see... 1/2 my age would be... plus seven... my goodness! That gives us 36!!

Except that it makes it sounds like one goes to Younger Men 'R' Us, and like shopping for bargain shoes in European sizes, goes to the shelf marked with the appropriate number... not that easy...

But the real problem i had with the quote was the use of the term "mature women."

I'M NOT A MATURE WOMAN!!

especially around you... where i feel small and young and helpless and very very submissive... which is such a wonderful feeling...
- -
So I'm a tadpole?

A cruel, sadistic implacable tadpole. . .

What are you wearing, kitten. . .

Or should I say "Cougar"?
- -
yeah, i can't really think of you as being a tadpole...

m'Lord.

but it IS pretty funny...

what am i wearing...

the magic words.

the short dark khaki shorts.
pale lavender sleevelss top with flower across my breasts.
white bra.
purple panties, which are already starting to get soggy)
brownish support knee-his w/ black socks (oh SO stylish!)
slippers.

(i was down in the basement and sat on the floor to snuggle w/Ketzel. but the idea of the basement being the dungeon seems to already have become imprinted on my brain, and sitting on the floor made a wave of submissiveness flood over me... oh you ARE going to have fun with me down there... i washed the dark red sheets that cover the futon and ship's bunks. the latter seem to be at just the right height to bend me over onto and...)

i am NOT A COUGAR.
i am your helpless, captive kitten
dependent on you for food and rest
subject to your punishment.
obliged to give you pleasure
and hoping to be granted a small amount in return.
i am your slave.

you own me.
- -
Take off everything but the wet purple panties, kitten. . .

I think I will have fun with you in the dungeon, kitten. . .

cruel, kinky fun. . .

And you will scream. . .
- -
yes, sir.

sorry for the delay. i obeyed as soon as i saw your command, but i had been scooping the beasties' litter box and taking out the garbage.
pick-up is Tuesday morning.

the dungeon is a good place to make me scream - the sound is less
likely to carry to teh street.

but i will be trying so hard to be brave...

tell me what you will do to me in the dungeon, master.

tell me your cruel plans...

it will make me afraid... but it will excite me.
- -
(kittens are such a bother, aren't they. . .?)

First i will strip you naked. . . or, rather, I will order you to strip and you will hasten to obey. . . always keeping one eye on the cane I keep balanced across my lap.

Then I will bind you. You will hold still. . . PERFECTLY still, kitten. . . as i practice all my knots out on you, tying, untying, retying. . . changing your position every short while. . . as I bind you wrists, then your ankles, then your breasts. . .

Finally, you are bound. . . helpless and exposed, unable to shield your body from my lascivious scrutiny. . . unable to protect yourself from what comes next. . .

What comes next. . .

What comes next. . .

I blindfold you, so you won't see it coming. . .
- -
will it be the wax, master?

will you burn me?
- -
Does kitten deserve the wax? How naughty are you. . .?
- -
i try not to be naughty... but i did something today you might think was naughty... or then again you might not.

i can't tell you yet.

is the wax a punishment, then?

not a torture that you do for your own sadistic pleasure? to hear my gasps of surprise and pain?
- -
You can't tell me? Why not?
- -
because...

kittens can have secrets, too.
like a mouse under the doormat ;-)
- -
Did you masturbate?

Or flirt with somebody?

You know I won't rest until I have it out of you. . .
- -
no, i didn't masturbate.

no, i didn't flirt with anyone.

you'll find out in a few days.

and, oh goody! that means i get to torture you!!!
- -
Grrrrr. . .

But I bet I can guess. . . it's something that would annoy me. . . did you cut your hair?
- -
damn, you're cute.

no, i didn't cut my hair.
i wouldn't do that!
i'm your slave, i obey you, you own me, which means you own my hair.
and my mouth.
and my cunt.
and my ass.

maybe it won't annoy you.
i'm not sure.

but it felt a little naughty at the time...

;-)
- -
I'm stumped kitten. . . I guesss I will have to wait until friday. . .

And then I will punish you. . .once for whatever it was you did. . . and once for teasing me like this, you wicked thing. . .

You naughty, wicked thing. . .
- -
;-) .
- -
Remove your panties.
- -
yes, m'Lord.

i'm feeling rather frightened at the moment... a little bit as part of my usual reaction to this command, but also because i was so naughty as to have teased you.
- -
Well. . .now I will tease you in return: How do you think I will punish you, kitten?

;-)
- -
sigh... you won't let me cum ;-(
- -
Ever again!
- -
hmmm... afraid i can't believe that one. you are much too entertained by the sounds i make when i cum. and the power you have to make me cum. and your desire to train me to cum on command.

on cummand.

you'll torment me for a while, but then you'll let me beg like crazy and finally you will relent.

i know you...

m'Lord ;-)
- -
You seem very sure of yourself, kitten. . .! Such defiance!

Careful though. . . I like to hear you moan and sob. . . but I don't care if it's from a cumming or a caning. . .

And you beg so sweetly when you want to cum. . . I could listen to it forever. . .
- -
[whimper]

every time you mention the cane...

you do it deliberately, don't you?

you know it sends me down the rabbit hole...

i'm sinking, master, further and further...
- -
Just think how you will feel, kitten. . .

When I give you a stern look, as you kneel naked at my feet, and say, sharply:

"Fetch!"

And you will have to crawl on your hands and knees, and bring the cane back to me in your mouth. . .and drop it on my lap. . .

How will that feel, kitten?
- -
i will feel very small, master.

as i do now.

i will feel frightened.

as i do now.

and i will be wet.

as i am now.

i will tremble at confronting the depth of your sadism
and i will welcome the chance to to display the strength of my submission.

you will hurt me
and i will accept it.

and this frightens and excites me.

and you?

how will it feel to you, master?
- -
I'm not sure I can describe how I will feel. . . or if I even know it right now. . .

But to see you, naked, and kneeling, and obeying. . . and offering up your body for whatever purpose I have in mind. . .

I will be smiling. . . whether it will be my cute smile or my evil smile. . .

i don't know. . .
- -
we will know soon enough.

but i suspect it will be some of both.

this, what we are doing, what we will do, is so complex, draws us on so many different levesl, that i doubt any of our reactions will be purely one thing or another.

i think of wanting to feel the pain, of learning to breath thru it, to accept it for the sake of your pleasure, to accept it in hopes it will send me even further into subspace than i've gone so far, and i wonder a bit who the hell i am, what the hell it think i'm playing with.

and yet... it feels so right, so liberating, and somehow makes me feel stronger.

just writing about it now is bringing me so close to cumming (no, don't worry, i won't...) 4 days from right this moment we will have already discovered so much...
- -
In exactly four days. . .

So soon. . . so far. . .

And now, kitten: i have had enough of your defiance and your teasing!!

To bed!

And I will expect my wake-up call at 7:56. . . EXACTLY. . .
- -
ah, you will never have enough of my defiance and teasing! i know you love it... ;-)

i can call you at 7:56, but i will have been up for a while. i do doctors tomorrow, and must absolutely be at the door by by 8:30. so i will be getting up around 6:45.

given that, when would you like me to wake you, m'Lord?

and did you actually get up today after our call?

just think, how glorious to lie in bed together in the morning...

and for you to receive your daily wake-up blow job... ;-)
- -
I didn't get up after we talked. . .I slept until 11:00.

Masters are allowed to be lazy. . .

Technically, I suppose, you should call me at 6:45. . . you'll need my permission to get dressed. . .

Yes, call me then. . .and if you can remember to ask your question, i won't keep you. . .
- -
BAD master.

i hereby consider myself totally absolved of any responsibility for lack of dissertation progress.

i would cane you, except that as you know the thought absolutely horrifies me. i can barely whack at the pillow!

your little slave is so horribly undisciplined that she is counting on you to set a good example.

OK, 6:45 it will be, and i will try not to sink too far into subspace. too bad. but then there will be plenty of that soon enough ;-)

i can't wait to know what it is really really like!

good night, master.
sleep well
and dream of metaphors...
- -
Good night, kitten. . .

A submissive's horoscope

Four days before the philosopher was due to arrive and claim me, the following horoscope appeared in the Washington Post. Of course, I had to share it with him.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

For July 30, 2007

Aquarius

Want to end a power struggle?
Secede. Hand over complete
control of the situation to the
other person. In one fell swoop,
the power struggle ends and you
are, once again, happy.

(i think they mean "concede", not "secede". with that proviso, i always listen to my horoscope... ;-)

Fortunate Future

i had just returned with a GLBT-synagogue night out – Christmas in July, at least for Jews… Chinese food and a movie. The gay guys picked the movie so of course it was the musical of “Hairspray.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sunday night 29 July 2007

my post-Chinese meal cookie yielded a very promising fortune, surrounded by smiley faces:

You will have good luck in your personal affairs.

i will take that as absolutely true.

i enjoyed the movie a lot. good music, good production numbers, nice cameo by John Waters as a flasher, didn't agree with John Travolta's decision to play Edna Turnblad straight, as a woman, so he didn't really add anything, but the rest of it was good and fun and very feel-good.

at dinner, i came out about you. very brave. but then the only woman at the table was V, who is rather gender ambiguous and has always accepted my being bi, and knows about you anyway. the guys, of course, were not at all judgmental, and my darling leather
friends were highly approving when i said you were kinky and just wanted to know when i was going to bring you around for them to pass judgment. ;-) anyway, it was a big relief, tho i still haven't broken the word to my lesbian friends, of whom one of my favorites always has a hard time remembering i'm bi. but so be it.

it seems i have a habit of blushing fiercely when i bring you up.

coming back on the train, i listened to my collection of phone messages. mmm... very, um, stirring...

the world smelled of chamomile when i exited in Silver Spring. from all the rain. there's been a drought - we needed it.

i need you.
- -
"out". . .you mean all the way? Ropes and chains and collars. . .the works?

Good!

Take off the black t-shirt.
- -
i didn't go into detail. just said you were kinky.

that was enough. especially for the leather boys.

t-shirt is off m'Lord.

thank you.

when you exert your power... i start going down...

in 5 days, in 5 days you will take me all the way.
- -
All the way down, kitten. . .

Unbutton your jeans, too. .
- -
jeans had already been exchanged for shorts, which are now zipped down.

i can't wait for you to work at taming me with your hands, with your cane, with your cock... not just with your words...

listening to your messages, where you say you own me... i have no doubt. i have no doubt that you do own me. and count the minutes until you claim me.
- -
Taming you. . . up close. . . where I can see how well you obey. . . and if you don't. . .

WHAP!

Immediate correction.

I look forward to becoming closely acquainted with every intimate corner of your body.

I can't wait until I get my first glimpse of my property. . .
- -
[whimper...]
- -
And I plan on taking full advantage of my ownership. . .

How tall are you?
- -
5' 3-3/4"

why, m'Lord?
- -
I have my reasons, kitten.

Take off your shorts.
- -
[you scare me, m'Lord.]

shorts are off, sir,
ass is bare.
cunt is revealed.

i am yours for the taking.

5 days from now you will have been here for hours, m'Lord.

suddenly...
i feel you caning me...

do you hear, m'Lord?

do you hear those little sounds you love?

my back is arching of it own accord.
my head is falling back.
and the sounds...

i feel your cruelty.
and am lost.
- -
Get the cane.
- -
[gulp]

[small voice:]
yes, sir..
- -
Once you have it. . .

Strip completely naked.

Rest the cane across your knees.
- -
[trembling...]
- -
Tell me what you are feeling.

Now.
- -
aroused

frightened

very submissive

very small

owned

wet

trembling

breathing fast... no, panting

and wanting to know the sting of teh cane. from you. to know you are unleashing your demon on my defenseless flesh.

and you, my master?

what are you feeling?
- -
I am hard, kitten. . .and I want to expend my hardness on you.

I want to take you over my knee. . .telll you exactly what i am going
to do to you. . .and then do it. . .

I want to hear you scream. . .

Put the cane in your mouth. . .
- -
yes, sir.

i am whimpering and moaning sir, and was all the time i was waiting to hear back from you.

tell me what you are telling me that you will do.

tell me what it is that will make me scream

the fear... it sends me down...
- -
Are you alone?
- -
yes.

my housemate is almost never here now.

of course, Marko is on the bed with me. he also looks after me when we are on line or on the phone, and he is obsessed with the cane.

as am i...
- -
Obsessed. . .

And you want to know what I will do to you. . .

Take the cane down tot the basement. Stand in front of the black footrest.

Raise the can over your head. . .Strike the footrest with the cane as hard as you can. . .

Get a good "WHAP!" out of it.

THAT is what I am going to do to you.

Let me know when you have done it.
- -
i have done it, master.

i have done it and am back upstairs.

when you issued the command, i walked downstairs as if in a trance. perfectly obedient.

and yes, as always, when it came time to strike, it was a struggle. so tremendously difficult. frightening, distressing.

finally, i pulled myself enough tor aise my arm.

the cane came down hard on the footstool.

this time, the actual hitting wasn't so upsetting.

but the sound... the sound of the cane whooshing through the air...

that was horrible.

horribly threatening...

you will enjoy it, i think.

and enjoy my fear...
- -
I think I will, kitten.

;-)

And now, to bed.

You will call me at 8:03 tomorrow morning.
- -
to bed?! i'm so incredibly aroused!! you are such a meanie... and you get me every time. you are deliberately exciting me, over and over, having forbidden me to even touch... i'll be so locked up tight by friday, who knows if i'll ever be able to cum again!

sadistic bastard.

sigh... you're just what i want.

you are the only one i want.

whatever you are, whoever you are, you define what i want.

you own me. so i have no choice in the matter in any case.

thank you, master.
thank you for putting me to bed.

i will call at 8:03.
and this time you won't go back to sleep, right?

we will be very productive, as i crawl, and you stride, towards consummation.

good night, m'Lord.

and dream of how you will torture me.

and of my screams...
- -
:-) :-) :-)

Good night kitten.

8:03

5 days before our first meeting. last year i used to write him every morning when i woke up, a ritual i began on my own. eventually, we started the wake-up calls. except on the weekends. so on those mornings i again wrote him in the morning. sometimes he gave me exact times. perhaps this was one of those days...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sunday 29 July 2007

trained.
so thoroughly trained.

far from her master,
kitten lay awake
lost in the future.
sunk in submission
and only half awake
she buried her cunt
in a caress of cotton,
the top sheet a kiss
across her proffered ass.
mythic fingers
slipped between buttock hills,
the tips attaining the
magic delta
into which flowed
torrents of honey.
memories of spankings to come,
of a leather assault,
of the cutting cane,
of hempen bonds that
held her fast, of
tears and cries and
unchained desire, force
her deeper into the bed.

finally, she frees her head
of longing, rolls over
and peers at the radio's
judgment. and in the end
is not surprised.
it is 8:03. time
to write
her master.
her lover.
her life

good morning, John.

Status Report - Week 4 of 9

Weight Loss: not a loss exactly... I'm now only 3 pounds down...
Exercise: none at all. And now doubt I'll get to do any before going off to camp because everything hurts too much. All I did was vacuum a little this evening and everything is worse. Poor pitiful kitten...
Tears: i've been masturbating a lot, and crying heavily when i cum.
Panties: still pink. and that does make me happy. one day i had to wear white ones because i had used up all the pink ones, and felt very bad. and guilty. which was a good thing, as it meant i was feeling owned.

not sure what else to say on this. when i sit on the floor as Marko eats, which means on the floor by my master's chair, i feel very submissive and remember that i need to stop being a baby about this long, lonely, isolated summer. i am his slave and this is my task. i am his girlfriend (at least i hope so...) so i need to do what i can to help him. i'm pissed at myself that this is such a struggle.

i do know it has all been made harder by assorted necessary medication adjustments, and that part should be better now. plus i raised the lithium a couple of days ago, and maybe that will help, too. after all, part of this was to get me settled down by the end of the summer. that's important.

i don't think he's reading our blog any more. on the one hand, that makes me sad. lonely. i liked feeling i was sending out little messages to him. but i also think it could be good, because i doubt that reading about all my hysterics would reassure him about our future.

of course, a regular long-distance relationship is NOT conducted with 9-week stretches of silence. 9 weeks of not seeing each other is workable, as long as there are phone calls and e-mails and some sort of regular schedule and that feeling of connection. what we are doing now says NOTHING about what an ongoing long-distance relationship would be like.

ah well. there are still 5 more weeks to go. i could pull myself together in 5 weeks... if not completely, at least a good bit more. a slave needs to be stable and only come apart when her master pulls her apart, bit by bit, in order to put her back together again the way he wants her to be...

i will do my best to focus on the way he wants me to be. because i know that is better for me, too.

i still love you...

Lunch with a Dom: Everything HURTS!!

I had lunch with a sadist today, and came back to the office in wretched pain and hardly able to breathe.

No, it's not what you're thinking. He didn't lay a hand on me. I am still owned, and I swore monogamy to the philosopher over a year ago. He didn't lay a hand on me except to put a bandage on my nose. And even then, he seemed to be doing his best not to touch me. Very strange, actually...

My little semi-poem Speak to me of spanking started life as an ad on craigslist, a few days after the philosopher tried to break up with me and I impulsively offered him 2 months of silence instead. I was grieving and angry and feeling totally unmoored. I was used to a steady diet of attention and control, as well as confidence in what we had and what we were to each other, despite the distance and long gaps between meetings. I felt safe and small and protected and happy. And now I was adrift with no land in sight and some real doubts as to whether such a thing as land even existed.

So I returned to craigslist. I needed to show how smart and clever and submissive I am. I needed doms and sadists to write back and talk to me like doms and sadists. I needed the stimulation, I needed people to remind me that I am a submissive. Thus "Talk to me about spanking" (the original subject line) was born.

Of course, I received a bunch of responses, many of whom hadn't read the directions. I've ended up corresponding with 3 of them. Two clearly have hopes, despite what I keep telling them, though one of those two is in fact very understanding of my situation and is being quite supportive. I've been learning things from all three of them, and the supportive one in fact feels like someone I would like to stay in touch with, much as I do with Dominick. (If the philosopher is reading this, I hope he understands that there is no danger here; this man is a friend and is helping me get through this difficult period. He seems to believe that my master will reclaim his kitten come September 1st.)

The third man was also an interesting correspondent, though due to his home situation I often received just a line or 2 here and there. He wanted to meet sometime and I said sure. It's partly my overall curiosity and partly an urgency to make some connection with people, face to face, from whom I don't have to hide this part of myself.

Over the course of a busy morning, we decided it could be lunch today. I suggested a place near the office and kept fielding phone calls until suddenly, less than an hour before we were to meet, I remembered that the cafe is closed on Mondays. That's what I get for multi-tasking! I sent an e-mail, but of course I was too late, so at 1:25 left the building to walk over to the cafe and suggest somewhere else.

I spotted him out front of the little building, and started explaining and apologizing for the situation and my spaciness - which meant that I was looking at him rather than down at the ground. I usually look down at the ground when I walk, because I'm such a klutzy kitten and can get tripped up on a perfectly flat surface. Both my master and my friends have to keep me from walking into cars when we cross the street.

So I wasn't looking at the ground as I walked towards him (let's call him Bob) through the empty parking space. I wasn't looking down and didn't realize that there was one of those raised concrete thingies that keep a car from pulling too far into the parking space and onto the sidewalk.

It attacked me. I fell straight forward. My face smashed into the sidewalk, as did everything else. And I could barely breathe.

I tried to say I was ok. But I wasn't. I couldn't get my breath back. I wonder if that's what it feels like to have a heart attack. It was probably from having fallen smack onto my lungs, and who knows what it did to my ribs.

Bob is not a warm person. But he was certainly worried. It didn't help that there was blood all over my nose. And I couldn't really talk. I couldn't tell him I was ok.

I had some packets of those moist towelette things in my fanny pack, and used one to clean the blood off my nose and my left palm. Bob offered me the ice in the remnants of his iced something-or-other, which I wrapped in the towelette and put on my nose, telling him about the big bag of frozen peas we keep on hand for my post-caning butt. A passer-by brought me a pile of paper towels, and eventually Bob went across to the Safeway to buy band-aids. I had to ask him to put it on my nose for me, which he did competently except for blocking both nostrils a bit. What a sadist!

And then we walked over to get lunch a couple of short blocks away.

It was a curious lunch. I was in pain and mostly thirsty (especially as I increased the lithium yesterday). And he seemed very tight, contained, stiff, dry, which was odd for me as I'm used to a lot of warmth from the people I know - including from the philosopher. Plus I am very open and warm if also open to sarcasm - hey, I'm a New Yorker, what do you want! - and am a bit of an exhibitionist. But it was interesting to be sitting there talking to someone who had been involved with BDSM for decades. There's none in his marriage now, and no sex at all, but until they had kids there was, and they even had a live-in pet for a year and a half. I'd love to be able to pry more out of him about THAT.

He said one thing which was just the sort of thing I'm always seeking from Doms. He was talking abut being a sadist, and how knowing that he wants to inflict pain makes him uncomfortable - much the same thing that Dominick has said. And then he said "It's as if all the poison is sucked out by the submissive."

Everything seemed to come together at that point. This took the symbiosis of BDSM one step further, one step beyond the Dom doing what he needs/wants to do and giving the sub what she needs/wants (apologies to those of you with other allocations of gender in this equation). It takes it to that point of catharsis, answering my repeated question of "How does it make you feel?" I do get pleasure from some of the pain I'm subjected to, and certainly am very aroused by all of it. I head down into subspace, and NOTHING compares with that. And when I come out of it all... slowly surfacing, not able to speak, I am cleansed. I am cleansed and I am cared for and I feel fresh and young and safe. And now someone on the other end of the pain is also saying it is cleansing - and in a deeper way than just coming home from a bad day at work and taking it out on her ass.

I'm curious to hear comments on this.

As for me... when I got back to the office I called my family doctor, since my whole torso hurts like hell and I'm still not breathing easily. She said no need for an x-ray - if I broke any ribs they can't do anything about it anyway. And I don't think I broke any ribs... it's more like I smashed in my lungs... and everything else... and my knees hurt and the palm of my hand and my nose is swollen and black and blue and it's a good thing I don't have any hot dates coming up.

I don't want any hot dates. I want my master. I want my lover. I want my best friend. The most awful, the hardest thing about it all was that I came back to the office and everything hurt and I'd been very very scared, worse than by the cane, and I couldn't call him. I couldn't even e-mail him. He's my BOYFRIEND, dammit! Well he had been... and all i wanted was to fire off an e-mail and tell him what had happened and that everything hurts and he would have written back "don't cry, kitten..." and asked if i had done this and this and that to take care of it and promised to call me that night.

And instead, I went to the ladies room and sat on the toilet and cried.

"Less than a week now... how do you feel?"

Anticipation mounted, conversation continued as we drew one day closer to our first meeting.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Saturday 28 July 2007

Forecast for Friday and Saturday is currently partly cloudy and high around 88. i will be obsessive about checking it daily until you come.

hope you've been productive.

m'Lord...

;-)

- -

Somewhat productive.

Will I meet L & L?

- -

One, maybe, if you want. The other will be out of town and won't get back till Sunday night.

- -

I guess I'd like to meet any of your friends that are there to be met. . .

- -

i'm very moved that you want to meet my friends. we could try to set it up ahead of time if you want.

but only if you promise not to say anything that will catapult me into subspace ;-) very embarrassing.

- -

I'll want you to myself most of the time. . .but maybe tea on Sunday for whichever of your friends are around.

You could serve it naked!

- -

yeah, right... ;-)

i'll try to get a feel for people's schedules, if they have such a thing.

- -

What are you wearing, kitten?

- -

i'm wearing my theatre-going clothes. brown rayon blouse, short sleeves, kind of low vee neck. cropped black rayon pants with brown spiky flowers. black knee-hi stocking. the chain. white bra and pink panties.

and the chain.

i was wearing heels of a sort today!

- -

Strip down to your bra and panties. . .

I want you in bed soon. . .and I want me in bed soon. . .but there's a enough time to undress you slowly. . .

(Heels! . . .you realize I'm going to make you wear them for me. . . them and nothing else. . .)

- -

yes, Sir.

(they are pretty sensible heels - cute, but not too high and not spikey. i like them.)

- -

(They don't have to be too high. . . as long as they're cute. . .)

Sit with your legs apart kitten. . .

Less than a week now. . .

How do you feel?

- -

how do i FEEL?

as soon as you order me to sit with my legs apart, i feel submissive. and when i obey... i feel even more submissive... and aroused...

i'm trying not to worry about things not working out ok. we've put so much effort into the 6 months... we've earned the right for things to be ok.

i feel like your fingers are going to insinuate themselves into the crotch of my pink panties thru the leg hole. you will feel how wet i am. you will start searching for an excuse to punish me...

- -

Yes. . .

Are you sitting straight enough? Legs spaced wide enough? Is there an insolent look in your eye? Are you wet enough? Too wet? Nipples hard? Too hard?

If you do not live up to my exacting standards, kitten. . .

The Cane!

So there's nothing to worry about

;-)

- -

it's hard to sit up straight on the bed with my legs spread and stretched straight out in front of me... ;-(

how can i be TOO wet??!!?

- -

Just do it kitten. . . no whining!!

I'm not sure. . .I'll have to see for myself. . .but there is a level of wetness that is simply "de trop". . . and would need immediate correction. . .

You'll see kitten. . . I will make you too wet. . .

- -

but if you punish me for being too wet, it will probably just make me wetter!

i'm afraid i'm starting to whimper, master...

- -

Wetter. . . and wetter. . . which will require further punishment. . .

Take off the bra. . .

- -

yes, m'Lord.

[breath comes faster]

- -

It is almost midnight, kitten. . . have you brushed your teeth?

- -

no, sir, i haven't yet. i will go do it right now.

- -

Yes. . . go kitten and come right back. . .

- -

i'm back, master, and at your disposal.

- -

Take off the panties. . .

- -

yes, Sir.

i thought you'd never ask...

- -

And now. . . to bed. . . it's almost midnight. . .

No touching, kitten. . . go right to sleep. . .

- -

yes, sir.
thank you, sir.

i do need to sleep.

and 6 days from now, when you finally let me sleep ;-) i will be sleeping in your arms.

good night my sweet and sadistic master.

- -

Good night, kitten. . .

Scary. Very very scary...

a promised package arrived. much longer than it was wide, with no external indication of the company from which it had been bought or the threatening contents within. but i knew...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Friday, 27 July 2007 (that evening. and later that night.)

John....?

it came.

it's real now.

i feel so many different things, and more feelings keep tumbling into the mix. i suppose this is what i will feel like when i'm tied to the bed and feel you standing above me, hear a few practice swishes thru the air... i can't sort it all out except to say that it is frightening and intense... frightening in that it brings us face-to-face with what we are about to let loose.

knowing that you had the ropes and were practicing knots was arousing and amusing. but this?

i feel like i need aftercare and it hasn't even started yet.

no. i'm wrong.

we've started.

this is the beginning of the scene.

hold me?

your frightened kitten

- -

a few hours later...

Are you there, kitten?

- -

i just got home from shul.

- -

Are you still scared?

- -

yeah... tho services helped calm me down, although it took the whole first half hour.

everything in me kept clutching, as if i had menstrual cramps almost, and some sort of pain in my lower back. and i must admit to being very wet. but also rather stunned with my heart beating fast. it's starting up again...

very intense.

my kinky young friend V was there. She had thought it was cute that you're practicing knots, and was glad you are reading SM101. She is there as a resource for me (and a friend) whenever i need her. she also said that a lot of people have a difficult relationship with the cane, but then there's the minority (like herself) who are really into it. but anyway her main thing is masochism, and ours is the D/s, so it's the submission to it that is so important, like it or not, and the submission that excites me and fills me...

still. whatever we say when we are playing, you ARE going to take it slow and easy at first, right?

and meanwhile, what did it make you feel knowing that it is actually here. and under my bed. i can hear it rattling in the box. i'm glad that [my housemate] is almost never around now and didn't come across the box on the doorstep and wonder what could possibly be inside...

[small voice] you will take good care of your kitten, won't you?

- -

Slow and easy, kitten. . . you have my word.

You didn't take it out of the box?

- -

thank you. i do know i can trust you. i know the difference between our on-line and phone play, and our in-the-flesh play, and know that you do, too.

that trust... that unquestioning trust... it's at the heart of what i feel for you and just about the greatest gift i can offer you.

and yes of course it's still in the box. you told me not to open it.

tell me how you feel knowing that it is here. under the bed. that i heard it rattle in the box.

i felt you standing above me. bringing it down gently and tapping it on my cheeks to gauge the right spot, the right swing. drawing your arm back - but in fact not too far - and bringing it down for the very first time. i don't even know if i went as far as the sensation of it striking - it was more the image of you doing it, and being controlled. and both of us having that experience of the first time. of your striking me. of my feeling the sting and the pain. and recoiling with a little gasp. and trying to breathe thru it. and your reaction to the sight of the welt forming, and my little gasp and knowing that you caused it... that you caused me pain... that i accepted it... but that you caused me pain.

- -

It is a very strange feeling. . .knowing it is there. . .because I sent it there. And that in a week, I will be holding it my hands.

And I can picture: I have made you strip, and positioned you just the way I want, face down on the bed, your hands tied. . .

A few practice swings. . .and then. . .

THWAP!!

I have no idea what it will feel like for either of us. . .

- -

i don't either...except that i have been whimpering non-stop since my last message... and feeling very small... this has clearly taken possession of me... YOU have possession of me... i can feel that my cunt must be swollen like never before... i wish you were here. right now. i need you to exercise your ownership. firmly.

i am your slave.

your very very submissive slave.

and we will do this. and then we'll see...

- -

What are you wearing?

- -

a pretty light blue patterned rayon blouse (short sleeves, scoop neck)
light stone khaki slacks
white bra
pink panties
black socks
slippers
purple earrings, lapis and silver ring, watch
and the slave chain that marks me as yours

i am your slave
you own me
body, heart, and soul
i feel your collar around my neck
i feel the cane hovering over my flesh

you want to hurt me, because you can, because you want to test my submission

at services, i watched the burning Shabbos candles, and could only think of how you would be dripping the hot wax on my naked flesh, to test my submission, to hear my cries.

i will pass your tests.

i will submit.

i will suffer thru it all

- -

Take it all off.

- -

yes, m'Lord. it's all off.

except for the chain.

never the chain.

- -

Good.

Are you in bed?

- -

yes, m'Lord.

- -

I want you to get the cane. . .take it out of the box.

- -

[small voice]

yes, master...

Marko is finding it to be very interesting.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

and then the phone rang.

and the next morning i sent him this:

Subject: Yours in the morning

i awake
and remember the cane.

i awake
and remember the fear.

i awake
and remember our passion.

i awake.
i never forgot.
i am yours.

Obsession

Friday, 27 July 2007 (morning)

i know... i'm the one who scolded YOU about spending too much time thinking about our coming/cumming adventure, so that you are distracted from you job of finishing your dissertation. i don't ever want you to be able to accuse me of keeping you from working on it.

still... i can't stop thinking about you this morning.

absolutely

cannot

stop

thinking

about you.

and it's not even all kinky fantasies.

you occupy me.

period.

i am a conquered land
its inhabitants hauled off into slavery.
i have an advanced case of Stockholm Syndrome.

my mind is not my own.

and crazed as i am
i feel at peace.

Put down the mouse and move away from the laptop

i've lost control.
well, you know that.
i'm a thoroughly undisciplined kitten.
but i'm trying to rein myself in.

so i'm going to focus on my submission and stop having all these tropical storms of emotions. my foundation isn't strong enough to take any more and the insurance doesn't cover water damage.

and i need to get out from under the computer.
i have to get out of my head.
i must stop stirring up my emotions by writing about them.

i need to cease inflaming my cunt and frustrations and jealousy by reading about other people's lustatory adventures.

I must resist writing strange men in search of reassurance that there might possibly be someone out there willing to scold me and spank me and fuck me if the philosopher really does decide that life is better without me.

well... ok, i admit it, i'm not really planning on going cold turkey. i may be a crazy romantic submissive pain slut of a slave kitten, but i'm not really going to cut myself off from all manner of kinkitude. i just have to impose some limits. i have to show my master that i can take care of myself when he can't.

so i'm going to try to return to my previous posting schedule of Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. we'll see how that goes.

and maybe now i'll find time to vacuum the living room rug, which has once again turned grey from cat hair.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Later... didn't that sound impressive? i spoke too soon, though. because next Sunday, August 3rd, is the first anniversary of when the philosopher and i met in person, and there are all these lovely bits of anticipatory conversation that i want to preserve here. so i suppose it will be daily posting this week after all. NEXT week, tho, i'll be packing for camp and stockpiling posts, so i'm hoping to cut back then. now if only i can cut back on the blog reading... i think i'll watch a movie tonight...

hey Marko! wanna come downstairs to the dungeon to watch a movie and snuggle. you know i love your kisses, baby...

Such a Smart Girl

I admit it. I have trouble meeting deadlines. Someone has to be breathing down my neck, or standing over me with a cane, or just saying "kitten" in that special threatening voice that makes me both wet and frantically obedient.

In this case, I'm a good 2 months late. But finally, I've made my first contribution to Smart Girls Who Do It. I've known all along what I wanted to write, but suddenly today it mutated a bit and then wrote itself.

It's pretty dark. It just ended up that way. Probably just as well I didn't post it here.

So be forewarned if you take a look. And while you're there, definitely check out the other essays and the contributors' own blogs. I am humbled that they invited me to come out and play.

Submitting to my Submission

i’m going about this all wrong.

i was down in the dungeon this morning, sitting on the floor by my master’s chair, watching cautious Marko eat his breakfast, when i realized i've been going about this all wrong.

i’ve been moaning and groaning and crying and sighing and playing for pity and trying to make him feel guilty.

all together now:
"poor kitten…"

i’ve been a very bad slave.

i’ve been focusing on the hurt of his wanting to break up with me for the fourth time in less than a year and a half, and i’ve forgotten that i am a slave and i have a task. a self-imposed task of supreme submission, surrendering my own obsessive needs to his very real ones.

BAD KITTEN.

i OFFERED this silence.
i said i love you so much,
i will give you whatever you need,
short of giving up.
here.
here is the peace you need.
i will demand nothing.
do what you need to do.

so i have to stop this kvetching. i have to undertake this task in a spirit appropriate to a slave, not to mention a woman in love. there are 5 and a half more weeks to go, and i will pass them cheerfully and obediently, in a way that will make you proud.

i offer this post as a ritual. i am writing naked, as you have commanded me to.

naked.

i am wearing nothing but the slave chain around my ankle,
those 9 linked paper clips that mark me as yours.

and the choke chain around my neck. pulled tight.

and the little slave kitten earrings.

and the little purple butt plug
inserted with as little lube as i could manage.

i am sitting up naked on the bed, the computer on my lap. i would have liked to be sitting in the dungeon, naked on the floor beside your chair, but there is always the danger that my almost-never-here nearly-ex-housemate will come home and be horrified by her kinky landlady.

so i sit here on the bed
wearing the visual signs of my slavery
and offering my obedience with patience and love.
and with trust.

you own me, John.
you do.
you know you do.

Owned

or am i?

Anticipation

23 July 2007
kitten and the philosopher look forward to their first meeting, then only weeks away.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

i'm getting twinges of nervousness...

what if we've been fantasizing all this stuff and then we don't like it? what if just the idea of the pain excites me beyond bearing but when it comes down to it the pain itself is beyond bearing?

at least i'm pretty sure i won't have any problem with the ropes...
ok, i KNOW i won't have any problem with the ropes...

i suppose it's just normal nervousness... i was going to say "before a first date" but it's not REALLY a first date, it's just one more step... but still...

and with all that, what i really want is to have you right here RIGHT NOW.

i'm a lunatic. pure and simple.
- - - - - - -

You are a lunatic. . .but I wouldn't say "pure". At least not when I'm done with you;-)

We might not like it. It's something we should brace ourselves for. . . what works in fantasy and on the phone might not work in person. Neither of us should be afraid about stopping it if it gets too much. . . and we will have our safewords.

But a philosophical question: Which is worse, discovering that you don't like the pain. . .or discovering you do? (And the same goes for me as far as inflicting it goes. . .)

But I'm not afraid, not really. . . whatever happens. . . we will have shared a wonderful adventure. . .
- - - - - - -

a million thoughts roll thru my head as i read what you've said... the shared smile about how debauched i'll be when you are done with me... the effect of the steps from e-mail to phone to physical reality... facing the reality of our desires, whatever they may be.

and then the adventure...

maybe, just maybe, that's the biggest truth of all. the shared adventure. because it has been an amazing adventure. each of us, both of us, taking a deep breath and plunging ahead, baring our darkest secrets, developing them together, feeling our fantasies break away from the cages in which we've kept them locked.

and the scariest thing of all, the thing that makes me very very nervous to say... this is really hard, in spite of everything, it's really hard to say this... that while our shared dark side is incredibly exciting, an amazing framework for our interactions, it does feel like (deep breaths...) the connection is more than that.

at least, i hope it is.
- - - - - - -

I think it is too. . . it's not just the kink, although that is a big part of it. But there is a comfort there, a naturalness between us, which is what makes this all (The morning phone calls, the daily e-mails, the sneaking away to write and call) work.

That's why I say I'm not afraid.

And we will see what happens soon enough.
- - - - - - -

[sigh of relief... but not really, i knew that... i guess i just needed to hear it again...]

an amazing sense of comfort. it really is that, isn't it... which is why one of my most treasured fantasies is of lying in bed together, peaceful, happy, comfortable, my head on your shoulder, your arm around me... i look into your face in wonderment.. you stroke my hair...

soon enough. have you bought the bus tickets yet?
- - - - - - -

The Bus ticket: I have not. Apparently, there's no point in buying it much before the time of departure. I'll reserve a seat a day or two in advance, but that doesn't guarantee me a seat. I'll try to get an express bus, so there'll be no stops. I'll leave early. . . early even by non-philosopher-grad student standards. . .and I hope to be there by early evening. I'll call when I leave. . . and when I arrive. . . and when I am standing at your door. . .

;-)
- - - - - - -

the thought of you at my door... oohhh... the contractions are starting... more than starting... they're at it in earnest....

teeth are brushed... laptop and i are headed for the bed... where you will be, too... very soon...

mmm... i feel your arms around me....

sigh...

yes.

it will be just fine.

all of it.
- - - - - - -

And when I am at your door. . .where will you be?
- - - - - - -

in the bedroom

on the bed

kneeling

naked

blindfolded

hands on my knees, palms upturned

waiting, in perfect submission...

(somehow, that feels easier than greeting you in a more normal way... "oh, hello, um... how was your trip... can i get you something to drink?)
- - - - - - -

(And knees spread. . .)

That's how I've been imagining it! And then:

I walk around you slowly, drinking you in with my eyes. I know you can hear my breathing, maybe even feel my heart pounding.

I lean in close. . .put my mouth right next to your ear. . .and whisper. . .

"I've come for you, kitten. Come to claim you."

And then. . . ?
- - - - - - -

(oh, right, knees spread... sorry i forgot to mention it but it's a given...)

and then?

my breath comes faster
a wet spot forms beneath me

you run your fingers up over my scalp, then grab my hair and pull my head back.
- - - - - - -

And then I thrust my tongue into your mouth, holding your head firmly by the hair, as my other hand twists one of your your nipples. . . hard. . .
- - - - - - -

i gasp at the pain, simultaneously matching the hunger of your kiss with my own.

(nipples are a good place to start... familiar...)
- - - - - - -

(I know, kitten. . .)

Then my hand works its way roughly down your body. . .between your legs. . .where it feels to see if you are wet enough. . .are you wet?
- - - - - - -

(you always know...)

yes, master, i am wet enough..

but then, you know that, too...
- - - - - - -

And then I lie you back. . . still blindfolded. . . and open your legs wide. . . spreading your lips with my thumbs. . . and then ravishing you with my tongue. . .

When you have cum three or four times. . .

I lean over and whisper "I will be in the living room kitten. Get dressed and come to me there." and then I leave.

You get dressed. . . go to the living room. . . sit down next to me. . . and we say hello. I complement your house, you ask me about my trip.

We are smiling.
- - - - - - -

yes.

that is good.

you are an excellent scriptwriter.
- - - - - - -

(I've been working on it for weeks now!)

And now: to bed, kitten. To sleep! You have an early call to make. . . which I promise I will receive. . .
- - - - - - -

yes. to bed. i'd hoped it would be earlier but assorted things intervened.

on the other hand, it's so nice to be home and again enjoying our bedtime visit.

no, not a visit.

being together at bedtime. which i missed so very much over the weekend...

good night, master. until tomorrow morning...

your kitten.
yours, totally yours, and yours alone.
- - - - - - -

Good night, kitten.

Status Report - Week 3 of 9

Weight Loss: down another 1/2 pound, for a total of 4-1/2. It shows.
Exercise: umm... can't remember... but i think i went twice last week. couldn't go this weekend because of the trip to my parents.
Tears: they're not flowing as much, but last weekend they were just under the surface much of the time.
Panties: still pink. and this weekend i finally wore the cute ones again.

Speaking of tears...

An anonymous, and very kind, comment was left on my poem Penelope, which first caused my eyes to fill and then had me crying in the ladies' room at work:

One never forgets His cherished kitten !!

It didn't take long for me to realize what was going on. I read it as if it were a secret, reassuring message from the philosopher. It isn't, of course. With the help of my stats, I suspect it comes from a very loyal follower in Florida. (I am, in fact, quite curious about my loyal Florida follower, as well as about another one in South Dakota, not to mention the one appearance in the stats by someone taking advantage of internet access at the British House of Parliament. If any of you felt inclined to e-mail me privately to say hello, I'd be most gratified.)

See? I can take short breaks from my moping to amuse myself... But back to poor Penelope, crying on the toilet at the fantasy that Odysseus has managed to smuggle a message to her, with reassurances that he is ok - or if not quite ok, at least thinking of her fondly.

I read that sentence and heard the philosopher, despite the fact that we never do that Dom capitalization thing. I heard him saying:

Don't cry, kitten. I could never forget you. I don't really want to turn you loose. Please don't cry...

And at that moment I realized that this is what I need. A little reassurance that he could never forget his cherished kitten.

I CAN do this. It is already one third over. It was my idea and I can do this. But because this mutually agreed on silence came on the heels of his trying to break up with me yet again, I worry that I'm tormenting myself for nothing. I torture myself with thoughts of his being relieved to have lost the distractions of what was just one big unfortunate mistake. And when September 1st comes, rather than saying

Thank you, kitten, I needed that space, kitten, and now I'm so glad to hear your voice again...

he'll say

I was right. I can't do this. I have no energy for a relationship. Not while writing the dissertation. And maybe never. Porn sites are safer. Porn sites are less demanding. Porn sites don't make me vulnerable. Porn sites don't force me to feel...

And it will be over. Again. And I'll be in mourning. This time for real.

So I flirt with the suitors. Anything for distraction. Anything for reassurance. And I'll try to pretend that the comment really did come from him, my poor struggling grad student, my master, my owner, my lover and best friend.

Because even if it didn't, it could have. I have to believe. I can't ignore what was between us. It was more than a game. It was more than amazing friendship. I know that. And so do you. So do you. You can't lie to yourself about this. You know what we had. You know how happy we were.

I didn't have mood swings and you slept through the night.

We can do this. We can. I will force myself to believe.

Clap your hands if you believe in fairies. Please. Clap your hands...

Penelope

Penelope sits at her loom, sighing out to sea,
weaving a dark tapestry of poetry and tears.
By day her heart unravels. By night she knots
the ragged threads into a lying mask.

The suitors come, in waves, flaunting their
floggers and canes. Doms and sadists all,
they gather at her door, lured by words and
traveler's tales. They seek their Holy Grail.

You're the real thing, they say.

I'm owned! she cries.

But the long green leash falls from her neck,
the loose end coiling round her feet, searching
for the hand that held it in a loving, laughing grip.
A symbol of control no more, now nothing but a
plaything for grey kittens grown to cats.
They pounce, and kill the cotton snake.

She eyes the hall of men, bearing gifts of
chains and whips, their manhoods on display.
She contemplates the years. Twenty summers
passed her by, could twenty more dark winters
lie beyond this night of fears? She calls out to the sky,
to Aphrodite, Artemis, Athena, too, and prays.
She offers sacrifice, anything if only they will
clear his head and cleanse his eyes and
save him from the siren songs of cautious solitude.

Do what you must, she whispers now, as
promises of men with whips swirl round her lonely head.
Do what you need, she sighs. Sail the seas, nine weeks or months,
twenty years, go find your way, find the truth, find yourself,
just don't forget, please don't forget, I'm waiting here,
I wear your chain, I watch the low horizon, and I
listen for your voice. Just don't forget, please don't forget,
I'm waiting here, I'll know your voice, please don't forget
the joy that was and come back home again.

My Alpha and Omega

"good morning, Master."
"good night, kitten."
and in between?
joy.
desire, direction, and joy.

===

once again, i fell asleep without cumming. i touched myself thru my
pink panties, and it was pleasant and comforting, but without your
words guiding my hand i soon dropped off. so i took my orgasm this
morning. this time, it didn't take long. i thought or arriving at your
apartment. you open the door. i stand there. you draw me inside.

"Strip, kitten. and look me in the eyes the entire time."

i obey. it is very powerful, very intimate, all the thoughts and
feelings from months and months of invisible communion passing between
us.

i am naked.

"kneel, kitten."

you take me through my catechism.

"whose mouth is this, kitten?"
"yours, Master. this mouth is yours."

"whose nipples are these, kitten?"
"yours, Master."

"and this cunt, dripping honey, whose cunt is this?"
"yours master, this cunt is yours and yours alone."

softly:
"who owns you, kitten?"

with deep emotion:
"You own me, John.
You do.
You know you do."

and i came with a cry.

13 May 2007

Puddling

I will call you at 9:30 this evening, kitten.

- - - - -

i will be waiting breathlessly, sir, in a puddle on the floor...

i'm puddling already...

- - - - -

i don't know how i made it home without completely embarrassing myself.

as it is, i admit to emitting some little moans on the Metro.

i couldn't help it.
they just seeped out.
i was this close to cumming.
the whole way.
all it would have taken
then as now
was a gentle brush of my lips by yours
the slightest touch to my hand
a single swat on my fully clothed ass
and i would have cum.
just like that.
shaking and moaning and crying...

as it was, i sat with eyes glazed
breathing fast and heavy
leaning against the window
wasting precious reading time
deserting Kavalier and Clay
trying to control my moans
and thinking of one thing only...

and when i finally got home
and went down to the dungeon to feed Marko
i felt drawn to go down on my knees and elbows
head touching the ground
knees spread
ass tilted upwards
and i felt you there
standing behind me
surveying your property
and trying to decide what you would do to me
first.

25 May 2007

Playing with Panties

i'm leaving town for a few days, heading north for a visit with my aged parents. i'm not sure what kind of internet access i will have, and whether it can be had with any measure of privacy. but considering the amazing, loving support you have been giving me - even you silent readers since you wouldn't keep coming back if you thought i should be left crying amongst the dust bunnies - i will leave you with a post a day drawn from the archives of teh happier days of our epistolary romance.

today's installment comes from the last couple of weeks leading up to our first physical meeting. i'll try not to dwell too much on that anniversary. it was August 3, 2007, 6 months to the day after we were united electronically by an amazing confluence of Eros and craigslist.

this exchange was on July 17th, beginning shortly before i was due to leave work. it mentions my being able to see his face. we exchanged no photos. it drove me nuts but then i grew to accept it. but then i started feeling guilty for not telling my friends about him (an expurgated version, of course), and was sure that they would ask about a picture and how could i say he wouldn't let me have one? so he took some of himself, and sending it off admitted that one reason he held back was because he doesn't photograph well. the picture certainly doesn't do him justice, i have taken some very lovely ones of him, but at least it gave me an idea.

and oddly enough, after all that, no one asked about it! (the philosopher wouldn't let me send him a picture. he wanted to maintain the mystery.)

read and smile...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

17 July 2007

Take off your panties, kitten. . .as soon as you get this.

(It amuses me that you can now picture my face as you read this. . .)
- - - - - -

yes, sir. i'm so happy to provide you with amusement.

(poor master, you must be so disappointed that i just missed seeing this before leaving work ;-)
- - - - - -

You rode home on the train. . .wearing panties?

Bad kitten!!
- - - - - - -

NOT a bad kitten, because i didn't receive your order until i arrived home. as soon as i saw it i removed my panties immediately.

and you know that. you know how obedient your kitten is. especially when it comes down to taking off her clothes.
- - - - - - - -

Hmmm. . .you should have checked your e-mail before leaving work. The whole thing reeks of rebellion and insubordination. . .

What are you wearing now?
- - - - - - -

I DID check my e-mail before leaving work! Especially because I had your picture open the whole time... (L said that when I invited her to have lunch, saying that i would tell her the story behind the pinhole camera project, that there was this guy... she said I blushed as red as the orangey-red shirt I was wearing..)

which i am still wearing. a very nice t-shirt with southwestern designs on the bottom. and khaki slacks. no panties. yes bra. sandals. the support knee-his. sandals. and a blue apron from the Yiddish Book Center in Amherst. Just finished the dishes. have to grind my coffee for tomorrow, brush my teeth, and get into bed.

sleepy kitty. it was an exciting day.

you are very exciting, my roguish Irish master, my wicked highwayman, my stern poet owner. your eyes bore into me, and hold me, somehow evil and romantic at the same time.

you own me.
- - - - - - -

Yes, I want you in bed and asleep by 10:30 at the very latest. . .

So now all your friends know about me. . .but they don't know the most important thing about me. . .about us. . .although they must wonder why you blush when you talk about me. . .

;-)
- - - - - - -

yes, i will scurry to get to bed, so won't talk long now.

M doesn't know yet, nor does T, but otherwise...

the blush was not because of the BDSM, it was just because...

and while your ownership of me, and your plans for me, may be the most, um unusual thing about you, about us, i don't in fact consider it the most important thing.

it's the connection, the intensity, the mutual obsession, the balance of feelings, how much we share... that's what is so important. the fact that we share dark desires, wild passions, and a need for this kind of relationship - that is in a way a detail. it's the sharing and the balance that is the most important thing. to my little slave mind, in any case. it is a precious and unusual thing and we are incredibly lucky.

we found out today that someone from our greater community died.

facts are scare, and the grapevine isn't working as well as usual. but deaths without details make me wonder about suicide. and unexpected loss reminds me to treasure what i have while i have it...

like a wild-haired Irish philosopher whose gaze makes me feel weak...
- - - - - - -

I'm sorry to hear about that. . .and you're right: it's a reminder to gather ye kittens while ye may.

I'm very glad I'm coming to see you. . .
- - - - - - -

mmm...

very glad.

(almost ready for bed... admittedly late, but getting there.. i DO try! honest!! and without you i wouldn't be in bed till after midnight, for no good reason at all...)
- - - - - - -

Almost?!?

Open rebellion. . . !
- - - - - - -

NOT rebellion.

simple failure...
- - - - - - -

I get to punish you, either way.

;-)
- - - - - - -

nasty man...

well i'm in bed. do your worst...
- - - - - - -

My worst? That's to make you wear a nightgown. . .no sleeping naked for naughty kittens!

But since it is late. . .and you really really tried. . .I will just send you off to sleep. . .

with images of rough hempen chord. . .and dripping wax. . .and a cruel master, whose face you now know. . .but who still has some hidden depth of cruelty to unleash. . .
- - - - - - -

thank you for being kind, master, and for saving your cruelty for when you can unleash it in person.

oddly, when we were coming home on the Metro, L realized she was still wearing the lanyard around her neck with her key card, and took it off saying "oh, i can take off my leash now!" i smiled to myself...

weren't you going to send me the url for the place you bought the rope from? you do keep forgetting your promises, master, you are quite distracted i think. what happened to that wicked phone message you promised? maybe while i'm away...

i do hope you are getting work done on you dissertation, and not getting caught up in logical knots...

i am so glad after all that i know your face, and have hints of your body... there is still some mystery, there is still threat, but there is also a sense of reassurance... i will be very happy looking at that face, and will feel very comfortable. in pain... ;-) but comfortable.
- - - - - - -

You're right kitten. . .I had forgotten. Here it is:

http://www.twistedmonk.com/

They have interesting products, and some very nice videos demonstrating various ties. Look at them; maybe you can pick one you'd like to try. . .although I'm warning you, I get final decision and I already have some ideas. . .;-)

The message. . .once again, I forgot. It's this weather. . .oppressive heat turns my mind to mush.

But this weekend, if you leave your phone off, I will leave a message that will make my kitten purrrrr. . .
- - - - - - -

thank you, master. i will leave my phone off except if you want me to call you. and i will call you Friday morning - tho not from the
beautiful little 3rd floor room which i consider mine, because it
doesn't have an air conditioner and your kitten is a wimp. i think
redheads weren't made to deal well with heat.

except your heat... i was destined to deal with your heat.
- - - - - - -

Good kitten.

And now, to sleep.

A new face will haunt your dreams. . .and inflame your body. . .
- - - - - - -

mmm... a face... and a cane... and ropes... (what color did you order...?)

good night, master.
and thank you for doing your best to take care of me. in spite of my best efforts to thwart you.
- - - - - - -

Good night, kitten. . .

Not feral. Not yet.

Kitten has been hanging out on a street corner. She looks up at the passing men and mews prettily. She looks at their hungry faces and mews plaintively.

They see the thin collar around her neck and know they mustn't touch. But it's a very thin collar, almost a mere suggestion of ownership. And there she is, loitering on the street corner, looking lost.

Her eyes say that she feels lost.

They don't touch, the hungry men.

But they talk.

They tell her what they would do with her if she would but follow them home.

She doesn't take the bait. It's poisoned. Later, back in her own little house, on her large lonely bed, she touches and cums and cries. And her sodden pillow hears her whisper: "i miss you, master..."

Climbing back out of the hole

the storm has passed
the spell has lifted
the gloom has cleared

not, i think, because of the lithium. it really did feel like an evil spell, this hormone storm, albeit probably the worst i've ever had. another one is due in 2 weeks. i'm hoping the lithium will smooth it out a bit. the last one was 2 weeks ago. and we all know what happened then.

thank you all for taking care of me. my master used to take care of me. but now he needs to focus on taking care of himself. and even so, he couldn't quite leave me to drown. he did call last weekend. he's a good man, my master, my lover, and still my best friend.

plus he knows i have all of you looking after me. people i've never met who, in some very important ways, know more about me than the very dear friends who live just a mile or so away.

of course, you have an advantage that the poor philosopher didn't have. if you can't take it for a few days you can just stay away. you know that at least one other person will be here to toss me a life-saving hug. the philosopher was on duty whether he had it in him or not. and he was here for me last weekend, despite his own struggles.

he has a lot to wrestle with now. please save some hugs for him, too.

ps - i do have a follow-up visit already scheduled. and a blood test tomorrow to check levels of all sorts of things. i've got LOTS of experience with medications. just not this one. this is the only one i've ever refused to take. until now.

pps - i worked out again today. 2nd day in a row. and today the weight loss finally showed up: another pound and a half since last week. i'm about 6-1/2 pounds lighter than when my master first met me. and my hair would be shoulder length except for how curly it is now.

ppps - and i wore pink panties again today.

watch for more sexy stuff soon!

Bedtime stories

Tell me a story.
Tell me that you've read my words and hunger for my ass.
My nipples fill your nights.
Tell me how you'd ravish me if only I were flesh and real
and not some e-mail fantasy
for lonely horny men.

Tell me a story.
Tell me you're a woman who can make me kneel and cry.
Teach me how to serve.
Tell me how you'd train me as a slave to female power and
release me from my passion for
those lonely horny men.

Tell me a story.
Tell me that you miss my wake-up murmur in your ear.
My sorrow fills the night.
Tell me that you miss my laugh and moans and talk of politics
and tell me that you want me
and that I am yours again.

Tell me that story.
True or not, I need a fairy tale to soothe the pain.
You're all I want.

Status Report - Week 2 of 9

Weight Loss: held even, which is a good thing.
Exercise: 3 days at the health club (inc today), plus last Saturday an hour and a half helping friends move. unloading the truck meant weight-bearing exercise carrying boxes and aerobic exercise going up and down stairs. somewhat mitigated by the great (and big) meal they took us all out for as a reward, but there was plenty of roughage so not all that bad.
Tears: less than last week. but still there. like a couple of hours ago.
Panties: pink. all the time.

i don't know about this lithium business. i've had 4 little white capsules by now (4 days) and should start feeling some improvement, some leveling, but from the beginning it just seems to have ... i don't know... i keep describing it as feeling submissive. which is different from how i felt more owned again after the philosopher called last Saturday. i feel a little out of it... and thirsty all the time, drinking a lot of water (required), peeing all the time from all the drinking, my head doesn't feel quite right. i could be having pms again, and i could be down from real-life issues (bad things with work). my right eye is twitching, my head hurts, and my spark has gone out. i'll jack up my regular anti-depressant and hope i can short-circuit this before it becomes full-fledged depression, but right now i feel like a pretty pathetic kitten.

i just deleted a big emotional melt-down section - exactly the sort of outburst the lithium is supposed to prevent. time to curl up in bed with a cat or two and have a good cry.

Summary: i'm still going up and down, am feeling like a failure at everything, and am rather despairing of anything coming out right. i don't do well with rejection.