Saturday, July 12, 2008

kitten gets her hair stroked

he called.

first he left a message early this afternoon. was i in the shower and so didn't hear the phone? no one else calls me on the cell phone. i wouldn't have been listening for a call.

"you never told me that lithium was the way you would control your mood swings. i didn't realize it was that serious! why didn't you tell me these things?"

he sounded almost angry. the way my father would be angry when we would be sick. or like when, as a teenager, i sliced a strip of skin off the back of my thigh while shaving my legs. he forbade me to use a razor again.

he was angry, my master. but in the most wonderful way. as if i had deprived him of the ability to properly take care of me by not telling him the whole story.

but i didn't hear the message till now.
till after he called me the second time.

the cell phone rang and i knew it could only be one person.
and i knew exactly why he was calling.
i didn't write that post to get him to call.
i wrote it because i needed to.
i write everything because i need to.

but i did wonder if it would worry him.
i did wonder if he might want to call.
and he did.

(though i never spotted him in the stats this time. i wonder whose computer he read it from? sneaky master...)

so the phone rang. and he was angry the way an owner should be angry at being kept in the dark. and he was reassuring. he had done some research and seen that lithium was standard treatment and not that big a deal, just a mood stabilizer. you didn't have to be crazy psychotic to be taking it. which i suppose was to reassure himself as well as me.

he reassured me in another way. he gave me a tremendous gift. he said it was ok... what he had said... the mood swings weren't really all that bad...

and that did make me feel better.

and he said he wouldn't read here if i didn't want him to.
and i explained it made me feel better having him here.
it makes me feel that spark of connection,
a trace of the old glow inside me.
and he said it was ok that i was crying,
that he knew it was because he had called.

and i told him i had gone back to wearing pink panties.

i'm glad i've gone back to wearing pink panties.
i was wearing them when he called tonight.
they make me feel a little owned.
and his call... his call
took me back
to feeling owned.

it was the kindest thing he could have done.

i feel owned.
i feel looked after.
i feel like my head has been stroked.
i feel like i am serving him with my silence
while leaving little coded messages in
the hollow tree of the blog.

i only wish i could help him start writing again.
he hasn't been writing. and if HE wants to write,
then i want him to write. and i would do
whatever he needs to serve his desires.
not because i'm submissive
not because i'm a slave
not because he owns me
but because...

you know why, sir.
you know why.

i feel safe now.
i feel strong.
i'll be all right.

ps - that first dose - it wasn't that bad - tho i delayed for hours going to sleep to delay for hours taking the little white capsule. i took it and sobbed and sobbed and then finally fell asleep - until 11 this morning. tonight will be better. tonight i'll know you're looking after me. and eventually, it will be just one more pill.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

a little while later...

i find i am feeling much more submissive now, after he called. i don't feel cut loose any more. it's as if i know he is watching over me, reading the blog, aware how his property is doing. i feel less like an unwanted toy that has been put out on garbage day and more like a favorite toy that was too distracting and has been put in its box at the back of the closet until he has time to take me out again. true, he may still decide he is done with me. but not yet. it is NOT a case of out of sight, out of mind - because he is still keeping me in sight after all.

i might even manage a smile...


Amy said...

I'm happy you are feeling good - I've been worrying about you. You should feel very proud of what you are doing.


mamacrow said...

yay yay yay!

Anonymous said...

Oh wonderful... there is that smile I left on my other comment! I hope things continue to work out.

xoxoxo mina

Paul said...

Oatmeal Girl, let us hope that this continues.
You are much more beautiful when you are happy.
Warm hugs,