Anticipation

23 July 2007
kitten and the philosopher look forward to their first meeting, then only weeks away.
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i'm getting twinges of nervousness...

what if we've been fantasizing all this stuff and then we don't like it? what if just the idea of the pain excites me beyond bearing but when it comes down to it the pain itself is beyond bearing?

at least i'm pretty sure i won't have any problem with the ropes...
ok, i KNOW i won't have any problem with the ropes...

i suppose it's just normal nervousness... i was going to say "before a first date" but it's not REALLY a first date, it's just one more step... but still...

and with all that, what i really want is to have you right here RIGHT NOW.

i'm a lunatic. pure and simple.
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You are a lunatic. . .but I wouldn't say "pure". At least not when I'm done with you;-)

We might not like it. It's something we should brace ourselves for. . . what works in fantasy and on the phone might not work in person. Neither of us should be afraid about stopping it if it gets too much. . . and we will have our safewords.

But a philosophical question: Which is worse, discovering that you don't like the pain. . .or discovering you do? (And the same goes for me as far as inflicting it goes. . .)

But I'm not afraid, not really. . . whatever happens. . . we will have shared a wonderful adventure. . .
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a million thoughts roll thru my head as i read what you've said... the shared smile about how debauched i'll be when you are done with me... the effect of the steps from e-mail to phone to physical reality... facing the reality of our desires, whatever they may be.

and then the adventure...

maybe, just maybe, that's the biggest truth of all. the shared adventure. because it has been an amazing adventure. each of us, both of us, taking a deep breath and plunging ahead, baring our darkest secrets, developing them together, feeling our fantasies break away from the cages in which we've kept them locked.

and the scariest thing of all, the thing that makes me very very nervous to say... this is really hard, in spite of everything, it's really hard to say this... that while our shared dark side is incredibly exciting, an amazing framework for our interactions, it does feel like (deep breaths...) the connection is more than that.

at least, i hope it is.
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I think it is too. . . it's not just the kink, although that is a big part of it. But there is a comfort there, a naturalness between us, which is what makes this all (The morning phone calls, the daily e-mails, the sneaking away to write and call) work.

That's why I say I'm not afraid.

And we will see what happens soon enough.
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[sigh of relief... but not really, i knew that... i guess i just needed to hear it again...]

an amazing sense of comfort. it really is that, isn't it... which is why one of my most treasured fantasies is of lying in bed together, peaceful, happy, comfortable, my head on your shoulder, your arm around me... i look into your face in wonderment.. you stroke my hair...

soon enough. have you bought the bus tickets yet?
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The Bus ticket: I have not. Apparently, there's no point in buying it much before the time of departure. I'll reserve a seat a day or two in advance, but that doesn't guarantee me a seat. I'll try to get an express bus, so there'll be no stops. I'll leave early. . . early even by non-philosopher-grad student standards. . .and I hope to be there by early evening. I'll call when I leave. . . and when I arrive. . . and when I am standing at your door. . .

;-)
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the thought of you at my door... oohhh... the contractions are starting... more than starting... they're at it in earnest....

teeth are brushed... laptop and i are headed for the bed... where you will be, too... very soon...

mmm... i feel your arms around me....

sigh...

yes.

it will be just fine.

all of it.
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And when I am at your door. . .where will you be?
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in the bedroom

on the bed

kneeling

naked

blindfolded

hands on my knees, palms upturned

waiting, in perfect submission...

(somehow, that feels easier than greeting you in a more normal way... "oh, hello, um... how was your trip... can i get you something to drink?)
- - - - - - -

(And knees spread. . .)

That's how I've been imagining it! And then:

I walk around you slowly, drinking you in with my eyes. I know you can hear my breathing, maybe even feel my heart pounding.

I lean in close. . .put my mouth right next to your ear. . .and whisper. . .

"I've come for you, kitten. Come to claim you."

And then. . . ?
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(oh, right, knees spread... sorry i forgot to mention it but it's a given...)

and then?

my breath comes faster
a wet spot forms beneath me

you run your fingers up over my scalp, then grab my hair and pull my head back.
- - - - - - -

And then I thrust my tongue into your mouth, holding your head firmly by the hair, as my other hand twists one of your your nipples. . . hard. . .
- - - - - - -

i gasp at the pain, simultaneously matching the hunger of your kiss with my own.

(nipples are a good place to start... familiar...)
- - - - - - -

(I know, kitten. . .)

Then my hand works its way roughly down your body. . .between your legs. . .where it feels to see if you are wet enough. . .are you wet?
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(you always know...)

yes, master, i am wet enough..

but then, you know that, too...
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And then I lie you back. . . still blindfolded. . . and open your legs wide. . . spreading your lips with my thumbs. . . and then ravishing you with my tongue. . .

When you have cum three or four times. . .

I lean over and whisper "I will be in the living room kitten. Get dressed and come to me there." and then I leave.

You get dressed. . . go to the living room. . . sit down next to me. . . and we say hello. I complement your house, you ask me about my trip.

We are smiling.
- - - - - - -

yes.

that is good.

you are an excellent scriptwriter.
- - - - - - -

(I've been working on it for weeks now!)

And now: to bed, kitten. To sleep! You have an early call to make. . . which I promise I will receive. . .
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yes. to bed. i'd hoped it would be earlier but assorted things intervened.

on the other hand, it's so nice to be home and again enjoying our bedtime visit.

no, not a visit.

being together at bedtime. which i missed so very much over the weekend...

good night, master. until tomorrow morning...

your kitten.
yours, totally yours, and yours alone.
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Good night, kitten.