meanderings

he didn't sleep well last night. at 4:30 in the morning he was up reading our blog. i'm sorry he didn't sleep well. he needs to sleep. i want him to get work done so he'll feel good about himself.

i'm afraid he'll start thinking he can't do anything right. not his career. not relationships. i can't speak to his career, but the relationship? grad school is hell on relationships. everyone knows that. but it's not a guaranteed killer.

i think he doesn't believe in me. he doesn't believe that i feel the things i say i do. he doesn't believe it's that good for me, he doesn't believe in that glowing ember i carry inside me. he doesn't believe it's that good even when i don't see him. and i wonder if he doesn't believe in himself, and that he could really make me feel that way. so obviously i'm delusional. on top of being afflicted by a 2-week hormonal cycle.

he's right that he was cowardly about not making clear how little visiting he could handle. it would have been hard. but it would have been easier. i've learned a lot about myself, exploring my submission. i do well when clear limits are set for me. i do well when i know where the edges of my cell are. i do well when i can feel the collar tight around my neck and the chains restraining me if i try to go past my boundaries. i wouldn't do well with one of those invisible fences. and i need to be scolded and beaten when i disobey. or when i complained. or when i had weepy tantrums. perhaps he felt too guilty to be that hard on me. i don't know. but i think if we could manage to go forward, that would be the way to do it.

it's odd, writing like this. it's not quite like before, when there wer some posts that i was writing directly for him and you all were just eavesdropping. now it's almost as if he's the one who is eavesdropping, hiding behind the tree as i speak. and i know he might be there. so yes, i've lost some freedom. i probably won't rant about some things i might have otherwise. i do want to protect his privacy, even though none of you have met him and only 2 of you have met me.

but i don't mind that he's reading. i feel better. less isolated. nash made a comment that it was sadistic of him to read after i'd asked him not to and he'd agreed. but i feel it as a gift. i know im on his mind, WE are on his mind, he hasn't just been able to turn it off. i feel that connection again, even just a little. and that makes me feel safer. no matter what happens.

meanwhile, i'm sleeping again. i'm still eating a lot less, but at least i'm eating fairly healthfully. i've lost weight. i'm a good 4 pounds less than when he first met me. i went back to the health club. i was horribly depressed, and they always say that exercising is good for depression, it produces all those endorphins - just like a good caning but without the welts - and endorphins are good for depression. i hadn't been in ages. now i've gone 3 days in a row. yeah, it doesn't sound like much, but for me that's pretty good. so i'm losing weight and starting to be able to hold my stomach in. and my hair is still growing.

and i'm not crying as much...

- - - - -

what are you wearing, kitten?

pink panties, sir...
pink panties and shorts
and a sleeveless purple top
and no bra so my nipples stick out.
i had stopped wearing pink panties.
i couldn't bear to.
i put them all away in the little square drawer
along with the white apron
and the nipple bells
and the 2 leashes
(because we each had bought one)
and the pink dog collar
and the choke chain that you
carried in your pocket for
days after you bought it.
but then i knew you'd been here
and then i felt you closer
and then it felt ok.
so i wore pink panties today.
and after i exercised
and after i showered
i regarded the drawer full of panties
and picked out some pink ones again.
but not the cute ones, sir.
i can't manage the cute ones.
but the pink ones made me smile
almost as much
as hearing the order
to wear none at all.

sleep well tonight, master.
please sleep well.
but if not, if you just can't.
you're always welcome here.
this blog is your home, too.
the door is always open
and i check our private e-mail
and the phone is always on.