Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Waiting for the callus to form

or is it callous?
same difference.
a hardening.
i need to harden.
right now i just hurt.

last night, i didn't really cry.
i was being strong, focused.
i was into the plan which was
my idea, anyway.

why do i keep having these ideas?
why can't i recognize a lost cause when i see him?

last night i didn't cry.
today
today i cried.

i cried when i read mamacrow's
words. i painted a good picture didn't i?
"so secure, so joyful, so selfassured in the
love
you
and he
share."

did we?
did we share it?

i cried when the radio said it was 9 o'clock
and i wasn't making my wake-up call.
did he miss me then?

i cried when i opened my e-mail at work
and saw the
wake-up call reminder.

i cried when i deleted
"the entire occurrence".
he said he'd buy himself an alarm clock.
did he miss me?

there was no sleepy
"good morning, kitten"
caressing my ear.
i missed him, anyway.
i missed
him.

i didn't cry when i chose
which pink panties to wear.
but i struggled.
i rejected the cute ones.
i couldn't bear the sight of the cute ones.
i am no longer a cute kitten.
we are no longer a cute couple.

i didn't cry over the choice of earrings.
i struggled.
i picked the ones i call my
slave kitten earrings.
i picked them out of defiance.
but it feels strange to wear them.

i was grateful to be at work.
it kept me from crying all day.
i could have cried all day.

i hope he didn't sleep last night.
i hope he won't sleep tonight.
i hope he couldn't work all day.

can i care about me for now?
just about me?
will someone care about me?

my whole life i've never been loved.
not really.
why should i have thought i might be now?

he said:
I can't blame you for being lonely.
There's just nothing I can do about it.
You need to find someone who can.

right. i'll go to the boyfriend store.
the True Love Department.
i'm 59 years old.
even if i look to be 40 or so.
and he?
the new eligible bachelor come to town.

but he's right.
i've been defending him
i've been protecting him.
but no more.
watch this space
i'll haul out the skeletons.
he's not reading here.
i don't have to worry about hurting him

why should i worry about hurting him?

9 weeks.
9 weeks of silence.
and by the end...
will i hate him by the end?
will i be able to hate him?

i'm watching So You Think You Can Dance.
and it's making me cry.

6 comments:

longingsend said...

oh sweetie! There is nothing i can say that will make all the hurt go away. Only time will heal. *hugs*

xoxoxox mina

ps... love that show, but have it tivo'd and waiting to watch it when Sylvanus comes home Thurs. night.

{milla} said...

Far out, I just read what happened and... well... nothing I will say will help, but I'm thinking of you. I've said it before and I'll say it again, a night of red wine and friendship between a whole lot of fun female bloggers all over the world would just kick ass. Hang in there. You never know what will happen.

milla xxxxxxxxx

mamacrow said...

I'm sorry my words made you cry :(

I'm lucky enough to have been in the same relationship for nearly 14 years - I did have a few short lived ones before then, and this one has had its ups and downs.

I have learnt that every relationship - sexual or not - has it's own set of pros and cons and compromises and bonuses.

It simple depends on which set suits you best in your current circumstances - which suits you best may change of course.

It doesn't nessecarily make one relationship 'right' and the other 'wrong'. It just depends which set of negative bits you can live with.

just my twopennyworth :)

Paul said...

Oatmeal Girl, all I can offer is a compassionate ear and a prayer.
Were I there I would offer a pair of strong arms and a shoulder.
I'm sending healing and strength.
Not enough I know!!!
Warm hugs,
Paul.

k said...

I understand where you're coming from in all this, and all I can say is I hope things work out for the best in the end.

there are people out here who want you to be happy, and we're thinking about you.

I'll be thinking about you.

oatmeal girl said...

ah k, i did so want to hear from you. i knew you'd understand. i always wondered why Irch ran from what you had, and now i wonder even more.

we do protect them, don't we.
and then there is that other question.. what IS the best thing in the end? do we know? is my clever plan just postponing the end? is there any chance he will mature a lot, will strengthen a little, over the next 9 weeks while he's responsible for no one but himself? or was his ability to truly love so severely disabled along the way that he relly is a lost cause.

i'm tired of being hurt.