or is it callous?
i need to harden.
right now i just hurt.
last night, i didn't really cry.
i was being strong, focused.
i was into the plan which was
my idea, anyway.
why do i keep having these ideas?
why can't i recognize a lost cause when i see him?
last night i didn't cry.
today i cried.
i cried when i read mamacrow's
words. i painted a good picture didn't i?
"so secure, so joyful, so selfassured in the
did we share it?
i cried when the radio said it was 9 o'clock
and i wasn't making my wake-up call.
did he miss me then?
i cried when i opened my e-mail at work
and saw the
wake-up call reminder.
i cried when i deleted
"the entire occurrence".
he said he'd buy himself an alarm clock.
did he miss me?
there was no sleepy
"good morning, kitten"
caressing my ear.
i missed him, anyway.
i didn't cry when i chose
which pink panties to wear.
but i struggled.
i rejected the cute ones.
i couldn't bear the sight of the cute ones.
i am no longer a cute kitten.
we are no longer a cute couple.
i didn't cry over the choice of earrings.
i picked the ones i call my
slave kitten earrings.
i picked them out of defiance.
but it feels strange to wear them.
i was grateful to be at work.
it kept me from crying all day.
i could have cried all day.
i hope he didn't sleep last night.
i hope he won't sleep tonight.
i hope he couldn't work all day.
can i care about me for now?
just about me?
will someone care about me?
my whole life i've never been loved.
why should i have thought i might be now?
I can't blame you for being lonely.
There's just nothing I can do about it.
You need to find someone who can.
right. i'll go to the boyfriend store.
the True Love Department.
i'm 59 years old.
even if i look to be 40 or so.
the new eligible bachelor come to town.
but he's right.
i've been defending him
i've been protecting him.
but no more.
watch this space
i'll haul out the skeletons.
he's not reading here.
i don't have to worry about hurting him
why should i worry about hurting him?
9 weeks of silence.
and by the end...
will i hate him by the end?
will i be able to hate him?
i'm watching So You Think You Can Dance.
and it's making me cry.