a promised package arrived. much longer than it was wide, with no external indication of the company from which it had been bought or the threatening contents within. but i knew...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Friday, 27 July 2007 (that evening. and later that night.)
it's real now.
i feel so many different things, and more feelings keep tumbling into the mix. i suppose this is what i will feel like when i'm tied to the bed and feel you standing above me, hear a few practice swishes thru the air... i can't sort it all out except to say that it is frightening and intense... frightening in that it brings us face-to-face with what we are about to let loose.
knowing that you had the ropes and were practicing knots was arousing and amusing. but this?
i feel like i need aftercare and it hasn't even started yet.
no. i'm wrong.
this is the beginning of the scene.
your frightened kitten
a few hours later...
Are you there, kitten?
i just got home from shul.
Are you still scared?
yeah... tho services helped calm me down, although it took the whole first half hour.
everything in me kept clutching, as if i had menstrual cramps almost, and some sort of pain in my lower back. and i must admit to being very wet. but also rather stunned with my heart beating fast. it's starting up again...
my kinky young friend V was there. She had thought it was cute that you're practicing knots, and was glad you are reading SM101. She is there as a resource for me (and a friend) whenever i need her. she also said that a lot of people have a difficult relationship with the cane, but then there's the minority (like herself) who are really into it. but anyway her main thing is masochism, and ours is the D/s, so it's the submission to it that is so important, like it or not, and the submission that excites me and fills me...
still. whatever we say when we are playing, you ARE going to take it slow and easy at first, right?
and meanwhile, what did it make you feel knowing that it is actually here. and under my bed. i can hear it rattling in the box. i'm glad that [my housemate] is almost never around now and didn't come across the box on the doorstep and wonder what could possibly be inside...
[small voice] you will take good care of your kitten, won't you?
Slow and easy, kitten. . . you have my word.
You didn't take it out of the box?
thank you. i do know i can trust you. i know the difference between our on-line and phone play, and our in-the-flesh play, and know that you do, too.
that trust... that unquestioning trust... it's at the heart of what i feel for you and just about the greatest gift i can offer you.
and yes of course it's still in the box. you told me not to open it.
tell me how you feel knowing that it is here. under the bed. that i heard it rattle in the box.
i felt you standing above me. bringing it down gently and tapping it on my cheeks to gauge the right spot, the right swing. drawing your arm back - but in fact not too far - and bringing it down for the very first time. i don't even know if i went as far as the sensation of it striking - it was more the image of you doing it, and being controlled. and both of us having that experience of the first time. of your striking me. of my feeling the sting and the pain. and recoiling with a little gasp. and trying to breathe thru it. and your reaction to the sight of the welt forming, and my little gasp and knowing that you caused it... that you caused me pain... that i accepted it... but that you caused me pain.
It is a very strange feeling. . .knowing it is there. . .because I sent it there. And that in a week, I will be holding it my hands.
And I can picture: I have made you strip, and positioned you just the way I want, face down on the bed, your hands tied. . .
A few practice swings. . .and then. . .
I have no idea what it will feel like for either of us. . .
i don't either...except that i have been whimpering non-stop since my last message... and feeling very small... this has clearly taken possession of me... YOU have possession of me... i can feel that my cunt must be swollen like never before... i wish you were here. right now. i need you to exercise your ownership. firmly.
i am your slave.
your very very submissive slave.
and we will do this. and then we'll see...
What are you wearing?
a pretty light blue patterned rayon blouse (short sleeves, scoop neck)
light stone khaki slacks
purple earrings, lapis and silver ring, watch
and the slave chain that marks me as yours
i am your slave
you own me
body, heart, and soul
i feel your collar around my neck
i feel the cane hovering over my flesh
you want to hurt me, because you can, because you want to test my submission
at services, i watched the burning Shabbos candles, and could only think of how you would be dripping the hot wax on my naked flesh, to test my submission, to hear my cries.
i will pass your tests.
i will submit.
i will suffer thru it all
Take it all off.
yes, m'Lord. it's all off.
except for the chain.
never the chain.
Are you in bed?
I want you to get the cane. . .take it out of the box.
Marko is finding it to be very interesting.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
and then the phone rang.
and the next morning i sent him this:
Subject: Yours in the morning
and remember the cane.
and remember the fear.
and remember our passion.
i never forgot.
i am yours.