Status Report - Week 4 of 9

Weight Loss: not a loss exactly... I'm now only 3 pounds down...
Exercise: none at all. And now doubt I'll get to do any before going off to camp because everything hurts too much. All I did was vacuum a little this evening and everything is worse. Poor pitiful kitten...
Tears: i've been masturbating a lot, and crying heavily when i cum.
Panties: still pink. and that does make me happy. one day i had to wear white ones because i had used up all the pink ones, and felt very bad. and guilty. which was a good thing, as it meant i was feeling owned.

not sure what else to say on this. when i sit on the floor as Marko eats, which means on the floor by my master's chair, i feel very submissive and remember that i need to stop being a baby about this long, lonely, isolated summer. i am his slave and this is my task. i am his girlfriend (at least i hope so...) so i need to do what i can to help him. i'm pissed at myself that this is such a struggle.

i do know it has all been made harder by assorted necessary medication adjustments, and that part should be better now. plus i raised the lithium a couple of days ago, and maybe that will help, too. after all, part of this was to get me settled down by the end of the summer. that's important.

i don't think he's reading our blog any more. on the one hand, that makes me sad. lonely. i liked feeling i was sending out little messages to him. but i also think it could be good, because i doubt that reading about all my hysterics would reassure him about our future.

of course, a regular long-distance relationship is NOT conducted with 9-week stretches of silence. 9 weeks of not seeing each other is workable, as long as there are phone calls and e-mails and some sort of regular schedule and that feeling of connection. what we are doing now says NOTHING about what an ongoing long-distance relationship would be like.

ah well. there are still 5 more weeks to go. i could pull myself together in 5 weeks... if not completely, at least a good bit more. a slave needs to be stable and only come apart when her master pulls her apart, bit by bit, in order to put her back together again the way he wants her to be...

i will do my best to focus on the way he wants me to be. because i know that is better for me, too.

i still love you...