We continued to play and replay our fantasies as the day of his arrival drew closer. Remember that neither of us had any in-the-flesh experience with BDSM. It was all in our over-active imaginations.
I loved reading this over as I transferred it to the blog from the e-mail account I use only with him. The dichotomy that is the philosopher shines so clearly. He is sweet and funny and intelligent and clever, a truly kind and caring person. He loves cats and babies, cooks and cleans up, and worries intensely when I’m ill or hurt. And he is a sadist. When it came down to it, he discovered that he was really a sadist. He stood over me, and brought that belt down on my ass and knew that this was not just an erotic fantasy.
And the more he releases his sadistic self, the happier I am. I love him, and I love that he can accept and revel in both the sweetness and the darkness of the soul.
I am feeling very loving tonight. I’m not feeling distressed. Wet and twitchy, but not distressed. Maybe the lithium kicked in finally? Who knows… I’m remembering the anticipation, the excitement, the frissons of fear, and the surety that this was meant to be. And then… the validation. This WAS meant to be.
I love you. I can do this.
(Any bets on how long it takes for my mood to completely reverse?)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Monday evening 30 July 2007
From a book i ran across today called "The Ropes" which wasn't about what we might have wanted it to be ;-) tho it was about older women dealing with being single.
this quote was posted on the back:
"Instead of kissing a lot of frogs, mature women prefer "tadpoles" (younger men) ... How young should your tadpole be? The seven year role is a good yardstick: Pick a man who is half your age plus seven."
Lets see... 1/2 my age would be... plus seven... my goodness! That gives us 36!!
Except that it makes it sounds like one goes to Younger Men 'R' Us, and like shopping for bargain shoes in European sizes, goes to the shelf marked with the appropriate number... not that easy...
But the real problem i had with the quote was the use of the term "mature women."
I'M NOT A MATURE WOMAN!!
especially around you... where i feel small and young and helpless and very very submissive... which is such a wonderful feeling...
So I'm a tadpole?
A cruel, sadistic implacable tadpole. . .
What are you wearing, kitten. . .
Or should I say "Cougar"?
yeah, i can't really think of you as being a tadpole...
but it IS pretty funny...
what am i wearing...
the magic words.
the short dark khaki shorts.
pale lavender sleevelss top with flower across my breasts.
purple panties, which are already starting to get soggy)
brownish support knee-his w/ black socks (oh SO stylish!)
(i was down in the basement and sat on the floor to snuggle w/Ketzel. but the idea of the basement being the dungeon seems to already have become imprinted on my brain, and sitting on the floor made a wave of submissiveness flood over me... oh you ARE going to have fun with me down there... i washed the dark red sheets that cover the futon and ship's bunks. the latter seem to be at just the right height to bend me over onto and...)
i am NOT A COUGAR.
i am your helpless, captive kitten
dependent on you for food and rest
subject to your punishment.
obliged to give you pleasure
and hoping to be granted a small amount in return.
i am your slave.
you own me.
Take off everything but the wet purple panties, kitten. . .
I think I will have fun with you in the dungeon, kitten. . .
cruel, kinky fun. . .
And you will scream. . .
sorry for the delay. i obeyed as soon as i saw your command, but i had been scooping the beasties' litter box and taking out the garbage.
pick-up is Tuesday morning.
the dungeon is a good place to make me scream - the sound is less
likely to carry to teh street.
but i will be trying so hard to be brave...
tell me what you will do to me in the dungeon, master.
tell me your cruel plans...
it will make me afraid... but it will excite me.
(kittens are such a bother, aren't they. . .?)
First i will strip you naked. . . or, rather, I will order you to strip and you will hasten to obey. . . always keeping one eye on the cane I keep balanced across my lap.
Then I will bind you. You will hold still. . . PERFECTLY still, kitten. . . as i practice all my knots out on you, tying, untying, retying. . . changing your position every short while. . . as I bind you wrists, then your ankles, then your breasts. . .
Finally, you are bound. . . helpless and exposed, unable to shield your body from my lascivious scrutiny. . . unable to protect yourself from what comes next. . .
What comes next. . .
What comes next. . .
I blindfold you, so you won't see it coming. . .
will it be the wax, master?
will you burn me?
Does kitten deserve the wax? How naughty are you. . .?
i try not to be naughty... but i did something today you might think was naughty... or then again you might not.
i can't tell you yet.
is the wax a punishment, then?
not a torture that you do for your own sadistic pleasure? to hear my gasps of surprise and pain?
You can't tell me? Why not?
kittens can have secrets, too.
like a mouse under the doormat ;-)
Did you masturbate?
Or flirt with somebody?
You know I won't rest until I have it out of you. . .
no, i didn't masturbate.
no, i didn't flirt with anyone.
you'll find out in a few days.
and, oh goody! that means i get to torture you!!!
Grrrrr. . .
But I bet I can guess. . . it's something that would annoy me. . . did you cut your hair?
damn, you're cute.
no, i didn't cut my hair.
i wouldn't do that!
i'm your slave, i obey you, you own me, which means you own my hair.
and my mouth.
and my cunt.
and my ass.
maybe it won't annoy you.
i'm not sure.
but it felt a little naughty at the time...
I'm stumped kitten. . . I guesss I will have to wait until friday. . .
And then I will punish you. . .once for whatever it was you did. . . and once for teasing me like this, you wicked thing. . .
You naughty, wicked thing. . .
Remove your panties.
i'm feeling rather frightened at the moment... a little bit as part of my usual reaction to this command, but also because i was so naughty as to have teased you.
Well. . .now I will tease you in return: How do you think I will punish you, kitten?
sigh... you won't let me cum ;-(
hmmm... afraid i can't believe that one. you are much too entertained by the sounds i make when i cum. and the power you have to make me cum. and your desire to train me to cum on command.
you'll torment me for a while, but then you'll let me beg like crazy and finally you will relent.
i know you...
You seem very sure of yourself, kitten. . .! Such defiance!
Careful though. . . I like to hear you moan and sob. . . but I don't care if it's from a cumming or a caning. . .
And you beg so sweetly when you want to cum. . . I could listen to it forever. . .
every time you mention the cane...
you do it deliberately, don't you?
you know it sends me down the rabbit hole...
i'm sinking, master, further and further...
Just think how you will feel, kitten. . .
When I give you a stern look, as you kneel naked at my feet, and say, sharply:
And you will have to crawl on your hands and knees, and bring the cane back to me in your mouth. . .and drop it on my lap. . .
How will that feel, kitten?
i will feel very small, master.
as i do now.
i will feel frightened.
as i do now.
and i will be wet.
as i am now.
i will tremble at confronting the depth of your sadism
and i will welcome the chance to to display the strength of my submission.
you will hurt me
and i will accept it.
and this frightens and excites me.
how will it feel to you, master?
I'm not sure I can describe how I will feel. . . or if I even know it right now. . .
But to see you, naked, and kneeling, and obeying. . . and offering up your body for whatever purpose I have in mind. . .
I will be smiling. . . whether it will be my cute smile or my evil smile. . .
i don't know. . .
we will know soon enough.
but i suspect it will be some of both.
this, what we are doing, what we will do, is so complex, draws us on so many different levesl, that i doubt any of our reactions will be purely one thing or another.
i think of wanting to feel the pain, of learning to breath thru it, to accept it for the sake of your pleasure, to accept it in hopes it will send me even further into subspace than i've gone so far, and i wonder a bit who the hell i am, what the hell it think i'm playing with.
and yet... it feels so right, so liberating, and somehow makes me feel stronger.
just writing about it now is bringing me so close to cumming (no, don't worry, i won't...) 4 days from right this moment we will have already discovered so much...
In exactly four days. . .
So soon. . . so far. . .
And now, kitten: i have had enough of your defiance and your teasing!!
And I will expect my wake-up call at 7:56. . . EXACTLY. . .
ah, you will never have enough of my defiance and teasing! i know you love it... ;-)
i can call you at 7:56, but i will have been up for a while. i do doctors tomorrow, and must absolutely be at the door by by 8:30. so i will be getting up around 6:45.
given that, when would you like me to wake you, m'Lord?
and did you actually get up today after our call?
just think, how glorious to lie in bed together in the morning...
and for you to receive your daily wake-up blow job... ;-)
I didn't get up after we talked. . .I slept until 11:00.
Masters are allowed to be lazy. . .
Technically, I suppose, you should call me at 6:45. . . you'll need my permission to get dressed. . .
Yes, call me then. . .and if you can remember to ask your question, i won't keep you. . .
i hereby consider myself totally absolved of any responsibility for lack of dissertation progress.
i would cane you, except that as you know the thought absolutely horrifies me. i can barely whack at the pillow!
your little slave is so horribly undisciplined that she is counting on you to set a good example.
OK, 6:45 it will be, and i will try not to sink too far into subspace. too bad. but then there will be plenty of that soon enough ;-)
i can't wait to know what it is really really like!
good night, master.
and dream of metaphors...
Good night, kitten. . .